10 Reasons the U.S.A. Could Beat Up Canada

In my previous post I made the offhand remark that the United States could probably beat up Canada. Apparently this remark didn’t sit so well with some of my Canadian friends, who felt compelled to vigorously defend both their country and their honor.

So, to settle the question once and for all, I put together this exhaustive, comprehensive, all-inclusive list, citing 10 reasons that the US of A could beat up Canada. Before I say any more, it should be noted that in the summer of 2003 I actually spent three months living in Canada, which practically makes me an expert on the country. So, without any further ado, here are my 10 reasons that the United States could put a beating on Canada.

1. The front of our one dollar bill shows a picture of our fearless first president, George Washington, who gave the British a royal beat down. The front of the Canadian one dollar coin shows a picture of a duck. Actually it’s a loon, which is why the coin is called a “loonie”. Need I say any more?

2. Two words: Chuck Norris

3. Canada is ruled by a queen. We on the other hand have a guy from Texas who likes to eat his meat raw. AND, our vice president is known for shooting people. I’ll take W over Queen Elizabeth in a cage match any day.

4. We have Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, and Rocky. Canada has…mounties? You’d think they could at least come up with a better name.

5. The Canadian military currently has approximately 65,000 troops. The US has approximately 1.3 million. Of course our troops aren’t called “mounties”, which does make a significant difference.

6. A significant portion of our population enjoys watching race cars go in circles at 200 mph for up to 500 laps. That says dedication. This same population enjoys shooting things.

7. We invented the Big Mac, the Whopper, the Super Size, and the 64 oz Slurpee. Of course this is also why we need privatized health care, but that’s besides the point.

8. Unlike Canada, and the rest of the world, we refuse to go metric. We don’t want to use a system where everything divides nicely into 10’s, 100’s, and 1000’s. No, we would rather remember figures like 5,280 feet and 16 oz.

9. Our national anthem is entitled “The Star Spangled Banner”, a stirring title that evokes patriotism and pride from even the most cynical heart. The Canadians managed to come up with the creative title “O Canada” for their national anthem.

10. Us Christians carry around large, oversized study Bibles, that weigh somewhere between 50 and 300 pounds (not kilos). If necessary, these could be used as weapons (in a loving and gentle way).

Well, I think that settles it once and for all. A careful examination of the evidence clearly indicates that the United States could beat the bacon out of Canada if necessary. But we love our Canadian friends and only wish them the best. Just stay away from our Big Macs…

Comments

  1. Jennifer Partin says

    I wonder if Tim (Challies) will put this in his A La Carte? :)

    I’m an American, living in Japan, surrounded by quite a few Canadians. :)

    Great post! God has been good to give me some laughter everwhere I have turned today. I needed the laughter—-2 of my 6 children came down with the stomach bug this week.

    Thanks for the good medicine!

  2. Brando says

    Well, I’m going to have to make sure to tell all of this to the Canadian army officer I work with, along with the British guy.

    OK, probably not, but only since I don’t know them formally, I just know they are in the building.

    However, this would all take place on a US Army base with a lot of folks from all branches of our Armed Forces, so even if I DID show the US was better than Canada, I don’t think I’d have much to fear.

  3. Stephen Altrogge says

    Jennifer – Glad you enjoyed the post! Humor certainly is a gift from God.

    Brando – I don’t think you need to convince the US army that we’re better.

    Ken – You’re right, most Americans probably couldn’t find Canada…

  4. Eric Grover says

    Zac Martin, a current student at Sovereign Grace Ministries pastors college who is from Canada gives a defense of his country.

    1. The front of our one dollar bill shows a picture of our fearless first president, George Washington, who gave the British a royal beat down. The front of the Canadian one dollar coin shows a picture of a duck. Actually it’s a loon, which is why the coin is called a “loonie”. Need I say any more?

    One word for US money: boring

    2. Two words: Chuck Norris

    We don’t need Chuck Norris when we can kill you with laughs. Consider, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels

    3. Canada is ruled by a queen. We on the other hand have a guy from Texas who likes to eat his meat raw. AND, our vice president is known for shooting people. I’ll take W over Queen Elizabeth in a cage match any day.

    We stopped being ruled by the queen a long time ago and in fact we have a Christian Prime Minister

    4. We have Jason Bourne, Jack Bauer, and Rocky. Canada has…mounties? You’d think they could at least come up with a better name.

    Jack Bauer aka Kiefer Sutherland is actually Canadian, so the truth is you needed a Canadian to protect your country from impending doom.

    5. The Canadian military currently has approximately 65,000 troops. The US has approximately 1.3 million. Of course our troops aren’t called “mounties”, which does make a significant difference.

    We didn’t need that many troops to keep you out in 1812

    6. A significant portion of our population enjoys watching race cars go in circles at 200 mph for up to 500 laps. That says dedication. This same population enjoys shooting things.

    We play hockey and have players that play games with torn acl’s and get stitched up on the bench with no freezing.

    7. We invented the Big Mac, the Whopper, the Super Size, and the 64 oz Slurpee. Of course this is also why we need privatized health care, but that’s besides the point.

    We invented the telephone

    8. Unlike Canada, and the rest of the world, we refuse to go metric. We don’t want to use a system where everything divides nicely into 10’s, 100’s, and 1000’s. No, we would rather remember figures like 5,280 feet and 16 oz.

    I don’t think that’s a reason to rejoice, refusing to join the rest of the world in this is simply a mark of arrogance

    9. Our national anthem is entitled “The Star Spangled Banner”, a stirring title that evokes patriotism and pride from even the most cynical heart. The Canadians managed to come up with the creative title “O Canada” for their national anthem.

    Our national anthem unlike yours actually mentions God in it

    10. Us Christians carry around large, oversized study Bibles, that weigh somewhere between 50 and 300 pounds (not kilos). If necessary, these could be used as weapons (in a loving and gentle way).

  5. Jake Belder says

    As a Canadian now living the USA, I found this pretty funny. But I have to side with Eric and his clever responses :)

  6. 4given says

    This is HILARIOUS!!!!

    Jennifer… I’m with you… I have 6 kids and they have all been sick this week so the laughter here was much-needed. I lost my mind the last time my kids were all sick with the stomach flu and wrote a poem with a Dr. Seuss rhythm called “Vomit Vomit in my hair… vomit vomit everywhere…”

    This humor here is… well, obviously much better. :-D

  7. Brando says

    Paul Martin makes a good point about Tim Horton’s. We need to watch them – they are invading the US by getting us hooked on Tim Hortons. I think we should counter with Krispy Kreme.

  8. Alan Davey says

    You HAVE to be kidding !

    Do you have any idea how many “presidents” the Queen has seen off during her long and gracious reign ?

    I can’t even count that high..

  9. Stephen Altrogge says

    Jennifer – Thanks for the congrats. Tim has always been kind to me…

    Brando – You’re absolutely right. Tim Horton’s is starting to invade our territory. I think we need to sick all our Starbuck’s baristas on them.

    4given- glad you enjoyed the humor. I love to laugh, which is such a gift from God.

    Alan – We all know who really rules Canada…

  10. Rick Chase says

    Actually, Eric is wrong, Canada is a constitutional monarchy and is therefore, at least symbolically, ruled by the Queen. She is the head of our state. That’s why the Can Gov’t is called the crown!

    Rick, a patriotic Canadian and Monarchist.

  11. kerux says

    Well Stephen,
    We haven’t exactly started the next Cold War, but it has been fun!
    I wonder what the Vegas odds are?
    I probably would have bet on your side winning one year ago, but now that our dollar is worth so much to yours… I think I’ll keep my loonies in Canada. (That is called a set-up.) :-)
    Have a great day worshiping our true King tomorrow, brother!
    Paul

  12. says

    This is excellent! :)

    “…I actually spent three months living in Canada, which practically makes me an expert on the country.”

    Ha freakin Ha!

  13. David says

    Maybe you should move Chuck Norris from the number 2 spot to number 1 spot just in case he happens to read this blog and then decides to give you a roundhouse kick to the face.

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