What to do When Your Pastor Offends You
Pastors can offend in many ways. I know I have.
One Sunday when preaching on reaching out to strangers I noticed a student who looked distinctly international to me. Swelling with love for foreigners, I gushed, “I’m so glad to see we have someone from another country with us this morning. Sir, what country are you from?” He looked around, unsure if I was addressing him. “Yes, you sir, what country are you from?” He replied loudly, “McKeesport, Pennsylvania.” End of sermon.
I once asked a lady when she was due. She wasn’t. I’ve failed to appreciate people for serving, failed to visit people when they were sick. I’ve called people by the wrong name – I guess I really shouldn’t guess at people’s names, but when they’ve told me 20 times I hate to keep asking. “So, ummmmm…..Chhhhhelsea, how are you?” “It’s Bernadette.”
At times I’ve offended by my preaching. Sometimes because the truth is offensive. Sometimes because I just say stupid things.
If your pastor offends you, what should you do? Hang a Michael Bolton poster on his office door? (I probably just offended someone). Stew in resentment? Leave the church? Here are a few suggestions:
First, pray.
Next ask yourself, what does this offense reveal about my heart? What am I craving? Honor, recognition, or approval? Sometimes a strong reaction can indicate sin in our hearts. James 4 says the root of all anger is our cravings – we want things and don’t get them. What is it you’re wanting and not getting? Sometimes we have unmet expectations we’ve elevated to idol status. The pastor should visit me when I’m sick. He should notice when I’m absent. He should consult me before making decisions.
Ask, is this one of the “multitude of sins” love covers or a serious sin or pattern of sin that God wants to help him with?
If you can’t cover it in love, go to him. But before you go, ask, what are my motives for going to him? Do I want to help him or blast him? Am I going out of genuine concern for God’s glory, his good, or the good of the church? Am I going in anger or love?
Try to believe the best. Maybe he just forgot. Maybe he didn’t get your message. Maybe he didn’t mean it that way. Maybe he just didn’t think that comment through.
Forgive him in advance.
Go humbly. Go with thankfulness for the grace you see in his life. Go in a spirit of inquiry. Don’t come in accusing. Assume that you might not see the whole picture or don’t see the situation correctly. Try to get the facts. Find out if he actually said what you thought he said. Ask him to help you understand why he made the decision he made. Then speak the truth in love.
And tell him your name is actually Valerie. And that you’re from Belize.
How about you? What other suggestions would you add?
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Excellent advice. I think it applies to when ANYONE offends us, not just our pastor.
Great post. Keep ‘em coming!
But what about those with the spiritual gift of criticism? What place do they have? What about the spreading of “prayer requests” for the problems the pastor quite obviously has?
On a more serious note, this is a much-needed article for an awful lot of local church bodies. Sadly, there are always people who would rather tear down the leadership than actually work to come to an understanding. I know of some pastors who have suggested to those people that they would be happier at another local congregation when they can’t resolve their differences. (And I mean after actually trying to come to some form of agreement, not just saying that they’ll never resolve their differences.)
I try my best not to vent my frustrations about leadership in front of others (including my children). I might tell my wife, but other than that I’ll typically try to work out a situation directly. I may not always go in with the best attitude, but I try to work things out. I don’t think I’ve really failed to resolve something yet. Our leaders are human, too. They can make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are more visible. Sometimes people can be offended because they were hit with the truth rather than words to make them “feel good”.
In any case, this is great advice and probably something that belongs on a recommended reading list somewhere.
This fits so perfectly into some experiences that my wife and I are facing, and the advice is perfect. I’ve had to approach my pastor about some things he has preached that I truly believed were wrong. My initial reaction was anger, but the Lord always graciously calmed and helped me to think lovingly toward him as a brother who is also not above error. So by grace I was able to lovingly and humbly express concern rather than attack and vent.
Now, the pastor’s response to a confrontation is a whole different matter. That’s probably why the Lord is moving us out of state in a month.
But these are words are most convicting and encouraging. Thank you for this service to me.
Thanks Robin - True - these principles apply to any offense…
Thanks Tim! As long as I keep doing stupid things, I should have stuff to write about….
Peter, thanks for your comments. I commend you for being careful about discussing certain situations in front of your children, and also for your faithfulness to go and work things out. It would be great if everyone would do that. And I think it’s great that you would go, even though your attitude might not be the best. I’d rather have someone come in with a less than perfect attitude, even a bad attitude, than to not come to me.
Appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Alan, you also are to be commended for going to your pastor with concerns, and for seeking the Lord to go with a good attitude.
I’m glad you mentioned that a pastor can have a sinful response to criticism. We who are pastors should humbly receive correction and observations, for we are sinners with blind spots just like those we serve.
Thanks for commenting!
You talking to me? Yep. Reminds me of the Peacemaker materials by Ken Sande. Have to deal with those pesky idols of the heart. Again. And again. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Mary,
I’m talking to myself first. And yes, the Peacemaker is a great book. Thanks for commenting.
Great advice!!! So, here’s my question…
As a pastor, how do I share this with my church without making it look like I am just trying to justify myself and putting all the “blame” on them?
Hey Chris,
Great question. It’s hard to know how to answer, since I don’t know you or your church and the interplay between you and those you serve. A few thoughts:
We pastors should regularly express to our churches how much we love them, how grateful they are for them. We can do this when we pray before preaching, or at the conclusion of messages. We can thank God for the grace we see in their lives - that they love Jesus and love his word. For the way they serve, for their faithfulness, their desire to obey him, etc.
We can try to create a culture in our churches where people are not afraid to come to us. One way to do this is by sharing whenever appropriate, our failures and sins from the pulpit.
We can tell people from the front, in new members classes, etc. that we don’t mind if they have disagreements with us, or if they have questions we won’t be offended.
We can thank people when they do come to us - it usually takes a lot of courage on their part. Our response to people when they come to us, even when they come with bad attitudes, will either encourage them to come back or turn them off from ever saying anything to us again.
You could give out the post or direct them to the post, and tell them you’d like them to read it, not because they have a problem, but because it could help you. You could tell them you’re not trying to justify yourself or put the blame on them. Tell them the principles in the post apply to you too.
Maybe you could ask them to read it and give you their thoughts on it. You might even ask select folks, like your leaders, if they feel you are approachable, teachable, easy to bring things to, etc.
Hope these comments help, Chris.
Mark
Thank you, Mark. This is very helpful. I fond that one of my (many) glaring deficiencies is being genuinely compassionate toward our church when the text I am preaching from addresses specific sins. I always call the church to repent and plead for the mercy of God, but I don’t think I do a very good job of displaying mercy personally.
The result has been a church that is afraid to confront their pastor because they are afraid he will not show mercy.
This really breaks my heart that I have done this to them.
So, thank you again for your encouragement. I hope and pray that God will give me more mercy…
Chris
These are good words. I’d pass on to Chris something that I once heard Jack Hayford say, back in the days when I thought Hayford was the next best thing: The pastor should always send the obedient Christians out with joy.
Now, that’s not an iron-clad rule. I’ve seen Hayford break it.
However, I think it still holds as a general rule.
Meanwhile, I’ve slowly learned to deeply appreciate excellent pastors without putting them on quite so high a pedestal.
One final thought: After you have spoken to the pastor and thought and prayed and waited, eager for reconciliation, if the issue is keeping you from fully serving the Lord and the pastor shows no desire for bridging the gap, there can come a time to leave for another church, if one’s available. A quick heart-test is whether you can still love that pastor who offended you. If not, you should probably stay until the Lord has corrected that fault in your own heart.
Chris,
Thanks again for your humble comments. The Lord gives grace to the humble, and I trust he’ll continue to help you grow in mercy. I’m the president of the sinners club - over the years I’ve been proud, unmerciful, and impatient with God’s precious sheep, and God in his kindness has been so patient and merciful towards me.
I know he will help us both.
Jim,
Great heart-test. I believe we should do all we can to not leave a church offended, should God call us to another church, but we should do all we can to leave reconciled and at peace.
Thanks for your comments!
couldn’t get past the “michael bolton” comment…still laughing at it.
My son David wears a Michael Bolton tee shirt.