A Guide To Man Points
Several years ago a friend of mine (thanks Dom) introduced me to something I always knew existed but could never put into words: man points. What are man points, you ask?
Each man on planet earth has a manliness quotient. A man can earn man points and add to his manliness quotient by performing acts of manliness, or he can subtract from his quotient by performing unmanly deeds. For example, I recently earned man points by repairing my gas grill. However, during that same period I lost man points by riding my little scooter to Lowes while wearing Crocs to purchase a tool I needed.
Man points are not awarded by an individual. Rather, they are simply woven into the fabric of the universe (don’t ask me how I know all this stuff, I just do).
Some men, such as Russell Crowe, have high manliness quotients, while other men, like Richard Simmons, are on the lower end.
What can a man do to earn man points? While not an exhaustive list, here are some examples:
- Eat meat from an animal that you personally tracked and killed.
- Grow a full beard (no shaving the neck allowed).
- Perform a difficult home repair without the aid of any professional (bonus points if you’re bleeding by the end).
- Drink a large glass full of raw eggs and then go for a long run; or practice boxing on large sides of beef.
- Have any of the following nicknames: Mr. Pain, Muscles, King Kong, Piledriver.
- Continue playing football after breaking or dislocating any appendage (I don’t personally recommend this, but I didn’t invent man point rules).
How does one lose man points? By:
- Using a Bible cover with a handle that makes it look like a purse.
- Watching any movie starring Hugh Grant or listening to music by Josh Groban.
- Driving a Mazda Miata or Volkswagen Beetle.
- Wearing a turtleneck, overly tight jeans with fake rips in them, or getting hair highlights.
Now, I mean no offense by any of these stipulations. Remember, I didn’t invent these. Don’t argue with me, take it up with the fabric of the universe.
I have two questions. First, would you add anything to my list? Second, for the ladies: Is there such a thing as ‘girl points’, and if so, how do your earn them?
+photo by Shermeee
Posted in Humor
August 8th, 2008 at 7:05 am
From a girl’s perspective-
I know that many men would try to disagree, but I think the wearing anything that is predominately pink in color takes away man points.
Girl points? Not that I’m aware of.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Man point deductions include riding scooters (with or without crocs) instead of Harley’s and carrying a man purse.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
LOSE points for long nails, but LOTS of points if you keep your nails trimmed, but you LOSE more points if you choose to wear clear nail polish…I’ve never heard of girl points.
August 8th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Girls are generally too complicated to have a point system judge their girliness. Also, I think wearing flannel shirts is + Man Points, right?
August 8th, 2008 at 8:25 am
due to the rules set by the fabric of the universe this game seems to be for men only. no girl points.
you lose man points if you try to earn them (”hey, watch this, i’m gonna earn some serious man points for…”) um… no. don’t even think about it.
you lose man points if you cry while watching a movie, but if you cry when talking about God, you gain mega man points.
man points for opening doors for ladies. exponentially more man points if you do this and are under the age of 18. and if you are under 18 and hold the door, your dad gets man points too.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
You lose man points if you wear scented hand lotion… actually you probably lose points if you wear any type of lotion. I think you gain man points if you are in the military.
August 8th, 2008 at 9:37 am
We have a point system, it’s just more customized to the individual girl. For example, I can get girl points both when I’m doing something like knitting or embroidery or baking, or when helping my dad replace and re-shingle a roof or my roommate refurbish a bathroom. Nothing quite says “feminine mystique” to me quite like a breaker bar and deep-well sockets next to my shiny double-point knitting needles.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Just wanted to back Emily up- you definitely get man points for opening the door for girls (other gentlemanly acts toward women also earn points- in the minds of women anyway) and dads get default points when their young son does this.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am
I think guys also get man points for knowing how to swing/ballroom dance well.
And they definitely lose MEGA man points if they dance with other guys.
Girls only have points for cooking/baking skills.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Wearing pink is the easiest way to lose man-points that I know of. Also, sporting jeans that are pre-mauled isn’t manly either. If you’re gonna wear ripped pants, they should at least be honest rips, gained through hard labor.
I know this sounds silly, but in my book, if you can pound a nail in straight, and know how to use a hand-saw, you’ve earned yourself a few points.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I am a guy and I TOTALLY agree that wearing pink deducts man points.
Riding a bike instead of a moped will get you man points. More points if you look for big hills to go up.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Oh my goodness, this post was hilarious!
I’m afraid that my husband would say that you lose man points each and every time you wear those Crocs of yours. They should be illegal.
Not sure if these are rules written into the fabric of the universe, but in my house major man points are awarded for things like changing the nastiest of nasty diapers, making sure there is always sufficient gas in my car so I never have to fill it myself and being diligent about nightly devotions with the kidlets.
I never thought there was such things as chick points, but now that I’m a “homemaker” I see there’s lots of stuff I really stink at. I don’t bake fresh bread daily, we occasionally get a pizza when mama is too tired/lazy to make supper, my kids watch more tv in the summer than they should, I don’t have a clue how to knit, etc.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Stephen -
This is an essential post for all men on Earth to read. Not only is this extremely funny, it is also quite sobering because so many “men” (especially of our generation) are not acting like. It’s bad news for the family, society and the Church. God designed men to act in a distinctively masculine manner.
My wife is going to compose a list of items that score manpoints from a wife perspective, so I may share later.
Blessings!
August 8th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I would add that you should get additional bonus points if you nearly electrocuted yourself during said difficult home repair. Nothing says manliness like a big flash of white electric light and a tripped circuit breaker.
Man points should also be awarded for getting up in the middle of the night and walking around in your underwear, with a baseball bat, to investigate “the sound” your wife swears was an intruder, when it was actually a plastic Wal-Mart sack in front of the vent.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I agree with the other Hannah. Girls only have girl points in relation to baking skills. Other than that, our measuring sticks for each other are unfortunately too complicated to list.
August 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Okay, I need to defend myself about the Crocs. First of all, I acknowledge that they look totally ridiculous. But, they are absurdly comfortable (like wearing pads of butter on your feet), and I feel that in a sense I’m gaining man points by boldly wearing what’s comfortable rather than what’s fashionable. Now, some think they look feminine, and there I disagree.
But hey, I suppose I can afford to lose a few man points by wearing Crocs. My man point score is off the charts as it is (grin)…
August 8th, 2008 at 11:58 am
No man should ever wear pink (and that includes salmon color) or purple! No man should ever wear sandals and try to “pretend” that they really are manly (like croc flip flops that are “unisex”)…
Huge man points for driving trucks, hunting, being a gentleman, and not watching “girlie” movies (except to serve your wife or sis)…
Girl points. No…never heard of that before.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Huge man points for playing with, and spending time with your kids.
Never heard of girl points, but I think girls should have a certain number of man points to be well-rounded. They earn them by doing the same things mentioned for men to gain man points.
By the way, Stephen, several points from me personally, for using Russell Crowe as an example! Great post!
August 8th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
How about Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn? A courageous Ranger welding broken a sword who patiently waits to become the the King of Middle Earth gets major man points.
I love Dr. Piper’s take on this. He says things like: “The most admirable women have masculine traits and the most admirable men have feminine traits: Lopsided masculinity and femininity are not as admirable.”
Some of each, but not too much in the wrong direction!
August 8th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
man points for the ability to fix things. that is crucial.
extra man points for feet that aren’t disgusting. now, i’m not talking about well “pedicured” toes or anything absurd like that, but come on, keep ‘em clean.
man points for you Stephen - anyone who compares anything on his feet to “walking around on pads of butter” has earned the right for a few extra points. so there you go. and as long as they are not some crazy color (like teal or yellow or bright green) crocs on a man are completely acceptable.
man points to fathers who play with their children and wrestle on the floor. that’s big.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Stephen,
If you must defend yourself, it would be truly manly, not to mention humble, to submit a picture for review of commentators. This bold act of humility may even earn you enough man points to fill the loss of man points due to a picture of you with helmet and crocs riding your moped.
tk
August 8th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
However, during that same period I lost man points by riding my little scooter to Lowes while wearing Crocs to purchase a tool I needed.
I think that’s a wash since you were going to buy a tool.
Lose man points for using the word “oodles”. I can hardly even stand to type it.
Jeff
August 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Also, you gain man points for reading everything at:
http://www.cbmw.org/
Jeff
August 8th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
And I forgot, you should seriously lose man points if you like Josh Groban!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 8th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Don’t worry Stephen, I wear Crocs too…
August 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I agree with tk, a picture is in order.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I’m going to say it like it is. Excuse my bluntness.
I agree with the general point here – that men should definitely be manly. HOWEVER, most of the points you’ve mentioned aren’t Biblical at all. I’d say pretty much everything you’ve mentioned is relative.
How does this post connect God’s truth with real life?
Marshall
August 8th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
yellerdaisies is insane. so are many others (ahem… stephen …and the “fabric of the universe”)
josh groban does not signify a loss in man points.
ever.
he is the man. no question about it. simply awesome.
August 8th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Marshall - You are right, these aren’t biblically based traits, and was primarily intended just for laughs.
True manhood should be defined by scripture. Thanks for pointing that out!
August 8th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I’m pretty sure any usage of hair gel subtracts man points. However, you can gain points by owning guns, or wearing a knife on your belt. I’m on the fence about doing laundry, do you think that would add or subtract points? That would definitely earn “adult” points, but man points?
anyway interesting post Stephen. Reminds me of the commercials from a few years back where they had a roundtable of various men making “Man Laws.” Although I think that was a beer commercial.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Man-purse side point: The man-point subtraction for carrying a man purse will be nullified if said man-purse is only carried to conceal a handgun that is just too big to fit under your shirt. Now the man-purse should be politely referred to as a holster.
On a side note, I’m not sure that man-points are immune to expiration. Just because you fixed something around the house, it doesn’t mean that when you show up to the party wearing those tight jeans and pink polo shirt you aren’t way in the hole on points. Some man points definitely last longer than others, though.
Good post.
August 9th, 2008 at 3:44 am
this is all backwards.
everyone’s point list is subjective, but it seems most girls are defining man-points as more like The Ideal Manly Man.
no colors should be absolutely ruled out for clothing.
skills and abilities around the house = man-points but nothing was mentioned about music, art or literary knowledge. a blockhead who can hammer some drywall up… man points?
i’m not going to list any or say there are girl points. rating each other usually doesn’t go over so well.
and your crocs are ugly. i don’t care how comfortable they are. plus the fact that you wear them with socks…white or black. with shorts. thats just a life rule you broke.
all in fun, love, beth.
August 9th, 2008 at 3:53 am
I’m sure that there are a few man points for hiking in the mountians, sleeping under the stars & cooking your bacon, sausages, eggs etc on a fire you have lit using the wood you’ve chopped with a machete?
Stephen this was a hillarious post! Thanks
August 9th, 2008 at 9:27 am
You wear your crocs with BLACK socks and shorts?!?! Oh that’s so so wrong on so many levels, Stephen! Your wife simply must put an end to that, it’s disturbing, I’d go so far as to say that it’s a stumbling block. Yes siree.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Great fun. I hope this list goes on a while… SOCKS! with crocs or sandals, definitely a loss…but probably only from the female perspective. I’m noticing how the girls are thinking really hard to remember if there are even girl points…..there’s a committee forming somewhere on the subject. I can feel it.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Unfortunately, Beth, who is my sister, did not speak the whole truth. At times I wear black socks with Crocs WHEN I’m wearing jeans. I don’t wear socks, Crocs, and shorts.
But now that Beth has brought it up, I might just start wearing socks, Crocs, and shorts.
August 9th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
too funny.
I think girls have a ranking system. It’s very complex, and is ALWAYS happening. Categories range from physical appearance, mothering, nutrition, home management. And there is this whole other category surrounding pregnancy, birth, etc. with the epidural at 2 cm gals ranking at the bottom, and the home birthers way at the top.
yeah, you guys get off easy with the whole man points thing
August 9th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
If Crocs and socks weren’t cool together, they wouldn’t rhyme. Of course, plain black or white don’t, and never will, work. Go to Indiana Schwinn and Rich will hook you up with socks to rock the Crocs.
August 10th, 2008 at 3:28 am
So what if i love my cats and get soft and mushy around kittens? Is that a subtraction from my manpoints, dude? What If I like them enough that I use the Wing Chun Gung-Fu, Saijitsu and Jeet kune DO to beat up someone whose mean to kittens or kill a cyote like we have here in Mass. Once I heard weird noises and though one was attcking my cats indeed. I went out with my baal bat to save my beloved little furballs but it was a false alarm. Do I get manpoints for the tyme I scared a big mangey growling raccon out of the house when my mom was intimidated by it?
August 10th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
hahaha I love laurie’s post “with the epidural at 2 cm gals ranking at the bottom, and the home birthers way at the top.” I would have to agree that the female “system” of ranking one another is definitely much more complex then ‘man points.’
But, as other people have mentioned, major man points in my book to the guys who are extremely passionate for Christ. I was at a retreat once, and there were guys’ and girls’ nights, and the girls were in a room adjacent to the guys’ room, and we had been singing, but then stopped, and all you heard was about 100 male voices singing out to God without reserve. Every one of those guys gets huge man points, in my book. :]
August 10th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
What? Socks and sandals? I only did that at camp when I was lead to believe that it was New York state LAW that you had to wear socks at all times. Imagine my shock when I returned one year for a week to find everyone wearing no socks with their sandals. I was quite pleased.
One important aspect of man points - they cannot self assigned, as mentioned above. You can accumulate (or lose) them without others assigning them, but only you will know . . . but the only way for them to go public is if another man tells you you are gaining (or losing) man points.
August 10th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
ok, this is stephens brother jonny.
you have it all wrong. it doesn’t matter what you wear, i agree if its comfortable then wear it.
you achieve man points by doing things reckless but cool. for instance:
“hey, look. theres a cliff with a tiny pond at the bottom, lets jump off it.”
August 11th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Jonny my brother -
I’m afraid I must disagree. If a dress was comfortable, would you wear it? If you did, you would forfeit all man points you ever obtained.
And as to the second point, I think you earn stupid points there, not man points. But hey, that’s just my wimpy opinion.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Being a godly gentleman ranks quite high on the list.
A man should lose points if he likes Jason’s Deli or any other “girly food” restaurant. Please. Go to the grocery store and buy bread and meat if you want a sandwich. It’s probably cheaper anyways.
I completely agree. Pink is definitely a girly color. That’s why a baby girls are dressed in pink and boys in blue. Known fact.
YES! Double points if there’s a knife clip seen on the outside of our pocket. No brainer.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
BIG man points for any guy who can talk about the stupid things he has done and laugh with others as they laugh at him. A sense of humor is very manly!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Heh, I’ve got a knife clip sticking out of my pocket.
And there’s a knife attached to it!
August 12th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
No Stephen, you cannot judge your own manliness nor your own possession of “man points”… and you lose man points by declaring your man-points are “off the charts”
Humility is manly
Also, no man EVER walks around on pads of butter. If you need some pansy footwear (crocs) because you’re not tough enough to wear boots and your feet are too “sensitive” you definitely lose man-points.
I’m seriously doubting your quantity of man points here…
August 13th, 2008 at 1:46 am
stephen…
you never should have brought this up.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I can’t beleive all these women saying there are no girl points…of course there are! Everyone knows that women are judged primarily by appearance. Pretty, skinny, young? Lots of girl points. Fat, plain, middle-aged? Well, you get the point.
Ugly, yes….but true.
August 14th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Oh my gosh, that was hilarious!
I know another way for a man to loose a point (don’t think anybody mentioned this yet). But men loose MEGA man points for wearing a toupee/wig. Now that is a huge no no.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Not only wigs - but the horrible comb over!!!!
Yikes! Do men really look in the mirror if they do this?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:16 am
OK guys! What’s up with the strong opinions on decorating the house? You lose any accumulated man points for that as well as any you might earn in the future. I know Christian couples who fight over decorating! Come on. The house is the woman’s domain. Stop fighting with your wife about what color paint to put on the walls. If you want man points, say, “I let my wife make all decorating decisions. She can do whatever she wants.” Now that’s a real man.
Most women don’t feel a need to prove themselves as women.
August 15th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Man make-up. Eew. Manscara and guy-liner - just plain wrong> If you do this once you lose so many man-points it’s impossible to get back on the scale!
Also, guys who use hair-straighteners - not so good.
August 15th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Panflutes, lattes, text messaging and badminton cost you dearly.
August 15th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
This is silly at best — unbiblical at worst. Being a follower of Jesus Christ and so imaging God as a man or a woman far transcends cultural stereotypes.
A godly man or woman is (in no particular order):
diligent
faithful
gentle
courageous
defends those who are weaker
speaks up for the innocent
loves mercy
does justice
pursues humility
supports wise leadership
leads with an attitude of service
gives generously
loves sacrificially
eternally focused
approaches conflict redemptively
joyful - even in trials
trusts God
possesses transcendent peace
patient with others
waits on God
seeks to please God rather than men
kind
pursues truth earnestly
honest
self-controlled
respectful of others
opposes evil zealously - even at great personal cost
…
For those who disagree, I would ask how many manliness points I get:
* I’ve killed and butchered more than a few of my own domestic farm animals
* I’ve butchered wild animals and eaten them
* I can pound in a nail - heck, I can repair a fence
*I can drive a large 4×4 truck comfortably
* I wear a knife in my belt, especially when camping and my pocket knife is regularly useful
* I have very little fashion sense; comfortable clothing is usually paramount
*I am most likely to cry openly when someone shares a testimony of how God has worked in their lives
…
So, what gender am I?
Country gal — blue is only a guy color in our culture. In some other cultures, pink is considered quite manly. Any guy who doesn’t feel the need to conform to cultural stereotypes in order to gain “man points” is pretty manly in my book.
August 17th, 2008 at 2:55 am
Hilarious post! Singing in my high school ensemble the uniform for the girls was a pink dress. The guys wore matching pink ties. Years later I’m still trying to make up lost man points.
August 17th, 2008 at 3:06 am
em - Certainly we our influenced by cultural stereotypes. Yet, I think there is Biblical precedent for distinguishing between male/female by clothing (Deuteronomy 22:5). I’m not sure what the differences between male/female garments were in Israel (in the movies they are all wearing robes - a definite loss of man points for guys in our culture), but God saw the need for the differences He created to be respected even in our clothing. We may not be under this Law but it leaves me thinking about how to approach male/female clothing in a God-honoring way in our society.
August 17th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I think… that the belt buckle in the picture isn’t big enough for many man points.
I also think that women’s points kind of got messed up with the feminism movement (which made man points more important), and that the women who care less about feminism probably have more woman points.