The other day I was thinking, what if Jack Bauer became a Christian, and then suddenly felt a call to ministry?
What would his church be like? His counseling sessions? Here’s what I think it would be like…
- Counseling sessions would be fast. Really fast. Because he only has two minutes, and you better tell him what’s going on or he’s going to mash your knee with his oversized Bible.
- He would scream the word “now” a lot. As in, “Tell me why you were impatient with your wife. NOW!”
- Every counseling session would end with a confession, because Pastor Jack can pull a confession out of anybody. Even if you didn’t do it.
- In every elders meeting Jack would inform the elders that “he did what he had to”.
- He would answer every theological question the same way: “It’s complicated…”
- He would probably fake his death several times as sermon illustrations.
- Scripture references in sermons would be called “backup”.
- The church would meet in an abandoned warehouse. The ushers would also be snipers and would establish a perimeter around the building.
- At least three times a week Jack would be misunderstood by his congregation and have to go “dark” until he could clear his name.
What else would Jack Bauer do if he were a pastor?
He'd go undercover in rival churches to find out how deep the heresy goes.
That's brilliant!
hahaahaha:) Enjoyed reading it..Nice picture too
Before any 'special offering' etc the congregation would be guilt tripped into contributing with the simple statement '…or thousands of innocent people will DIE.'
every 15 minutes through the message, you'd hear some beeps and wonder where 5 minutes of your life went.
No one would have hymn books. Everyone would have PDAs. And Chloe would pipe the song words through to your screen.
ALL cars in the carpark would have to skid into the carparking spaces.
No one would eat anyting or use the bathroom. (Sorry, restroom).
But Christchurch is like that anyway!
Who’s Jack Bauer?
But Christchurch is like that anyway. Apart from the "eat anyting (sp.)" The Biscuit Jihad continues unabated…
Who's Jack Bauer?
Okay, this is absolutely hilarious. Brilliant.
Pastor Jack. Has a nice ring to it.
I wonder who's on the other end of that thing in his ear?
God.
Nice. Or possibly the elder board…
We wouldn’t have to worry about him being long winded, that’s for sure. Lol
Roughly half of every worship service would be dedicated to finding the "mole"…
And there would be a mole in every department…
He would say "darn it!" when he got upset. And to reinforce a point in a message he would yell "you're just going to have to trust me!"
Yeah, why is Bauer always telling people to trust him? He would be doing this a lot from sermons…
Before reading the bible passage, he'd say 'The following message takes place between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 2:1 on the day of the baby dedications'
Okay, that was hilarious too. You guys are brilliant…
1) Preaching in his trademark raspy whisper.
2) Having Cloe research "The Blazing Center" for intel about suspicious personnel.
3) "Clergy" license plate to get plumb parking spot.
I forgot about the whisper. He would be a nightmare for sound people…
His p.a. Chloe O'Brian might hack the congretgations computers to see who visits or downloads from other church websites.
She's probably the one on the other end of the thing in his ear, just incase he needs satalite imagery of Israel brought up on the powerpoint.
Stephen –
Excuse me but what do you mean "If" JB became a Christian? "If"?
Suffering your heresy lightly,
Tim
Sorry Tim, but some of Jack's tactics…maybe he just presumes on grace a bit too much!
LOL!!!!!
When evangelizing someone, he might say, "Listen to me, you haven't got a choice!"
"Chloe knows when you are sleeping…she knows if you're awake…she knows if you've been bad or good…..
He'd order his day into insanely productive 1-hr. slots and require the same of his staffers.
He's never be seen with a five-o'clock shadow, even when pulling the occasional all-nighter.
He'd work up a sweat doing exegesis but never seem to need a change of clothes.
He'd never eat, ever. Not even a power-bar. And he'd suffer no ill-effects.
That brings up a good point. I've never seen Jack eat, drink, or sleep. Is it possible that he's a robot?
no. Robots dont have a gut feeling that is ALWAYS right.
Jack would wrap up the sermons by giving the blessing "See you in…heaven."
How doyou think CJ (head of CTU) would address his heart when he "goes dark"?
That's just it, no one would be able to address Jack, because they couldn't find him…
Every alter call would end with, "You're running out of time."
That's hilarious!
I'm sure Mark would be up for an impersonation – I still think about his "ninja of love" introduction at the marriage conference a few years ago.
Newtothis. I think you've finally broken me down to start at Season 1 and watch this program.
It's a commitment. Just keep that in mind.
don't go past season 4; after that it's all repeated stuff in a new setting.
In the interest of time, there wouldn't be an offering on sunday morning… Jack would simply tell you how much you're going to give and Chloe would have already deducted it from your bank account.
Messages on evangelism… wow… let's just say your dreams will be haunted by Jack screaming "thousands of Americans will DIE!!!"
Campus outreaches would start with Jack drawing his pistol and loudly saying "I need everyone to stay calm!" The first student that tried to dodge a conversation would be punched unconscious… to set an example.
If God led pastor Jack's church to pursue a new church building, they would break ground 15 minutes later, with all necessary permits in place, and the project fully paid for… by the White House.
p.s. Hilarious post. And, possibly, a more hilarious response from your readers!
Yeah, everyone's responses were hilarious.
Stephen,
I just read this post out loud to my wife and we are both in tears. This was downright hilarious!
You've got such an uncanny, incredible wit about you. Keep it up…it's great for my Christian walk.
Thanks Erik! I'm glad you enjoy humor. It's such a gift from God to be able to laugh!
If laughter is good like medicine, I've had a healthy dose as I've read this today. Both the blog and the comments were very creative.
It's hard to find something unique to add to such well thought out responses.
My feeling is that if Jack Bauer were my pastor the church members would pay closer attention. They'd realize that what he was saying really does mean the difference between life & death for themselves as well as others.
Awesome post and comments!!!
Absolutely hilarious! So what do you think it would be like if Clint Eastwood became a pastor? Great stuff! Thanks
Let's just agree that we wouldn't want him to do the baptisms.
Stephen, great job with this!
I wrote up a couple similar things on my blog last year:
Jack Bauer is not Your Accountability Partner
and
Psalm 151, A Pslam of Jack Bauer
you've got some funny readers too!
He and the elder board would mount a full-scale s&d operation on the abortion clinic down the street,saving any expectant mothers their, and then raze the building to the ground and no one would tell him he could’nt
1) Jack would be able to get across town to visit someone in the hospital or perform a wedding in less than 5 minutes – including the amount of time it would take him to disarm a bomb while there.
2) The elders in the church would have a very large turnover rate, because as close friends to Jack, many of them would be assassinated by terrorists or killed by a bomb.
3) Jack would take at least one missions trip per year to China or other Asian country.
4) If Jack wasn't the Senior Pastor, he would probably uncover some sort of conspiracy that the Senior Pastor was participating in.
5) Jack wouldn't carry an actual bible, per se. Mainly b/c he'd have the entire bible (in every language) on his PDA or better yet, his cell phone. Included: Maps to the Holy Land.
Threaten to use an ink pen creatively to control deacons/elders
Jack would have each congregation members bank account hacked, check their monthly income and if they don't tithe, it would be automatically bank transferred.
When summarising his sermon points he'd ask the congregation, 'do you copy?'
Before staff meetings he's ask the elders 'are you sure you're ready for this!' or 'you don't have to do this!'
He'd have long heart to heart talks with the youth pastor because his daughter's boyfriends keep disappearing/getting shot/kidnapping her/having their legs blown off.
He'd probably describe his ministry as 'hands on' or incarnational.
Great post,
I think he would also be constantly evaluating the actions of the other elders and talking about how they are "not fit" to run the church.
After every "Amen" he would respond "copy that!"
Jack's associate pastor, Bill Buchanan, would say gently, yet firmly, when Pastor Jack started another anecdote… "Jack, there's no time."
If jack was my pastor he would probably pull a large congregation since he would ask his bishop to give them full immunity from the evil then he would downplay them and hack into their accounts to find out those who commits their tithe and those who do not would be taken for interogation with a four biometric biopsy equipment.then evryone would be debriefed before leaving te church