I love spring.
The hard winter is past; birds are singing, carpenter bees are building fresh hives in every orifice of my home, trees are dumping billions of helicopter seeds in my yard, and my neighbors are all manicuring their lawns to look like carpet while mine looks like a prairie dog city. But best of all, it’s time to break out the grill.
I know a man who, sadly, lets his wife do all the grilling. He claims to have paper work he has to do. I have to question his manhood, for next to fishing for Alaskan King Crab, nothing says “manly” like grilling.
What else, in our emasculated society, so hearkens back to our primeval caveman days like grilling?
First of all, there is the extreme danger involved. If you read your grill’s manual, you will find a warning to check for spider webs. Apparently spiders can build nests that block the gas flow, thus causing explosions that level whole city blocks. What man would ask his wife to ferret out gas-blocking spiders for him? Personally, I don’t check for spiders, because I know if I look under the grill, a Brown Recluse is going to leap onto my face and inject me with gangrenous poison. So I just fire the grill up each spring, then run for cover. If the grill doesn’t blow up, we’re good to go.
A primary manly aspect of grilling is that it’s outdoors. Being out on my deck, with the sun and the wind and the clouds, I envision myself roasting fresh Mastodon under a prehistoric sky, Pteradactyls flying overhead as I fend off Raptors with my spatula.
Of course, nothing says manly like raw meat roasting over an open flame. The heat and smoke billowing up into your eyes. Grease dripping, flames leaping up, searing the raw flesh.
You’ve also got your manly grill tools. In addition to your stainless steel spatula on the 3 foot long wooden handle, you’ve got your oversized fork, also on a 3-foot handle, and your grill brush for slathering barbecue sauce. Women just aren’t qualified to use these weapons.
A proper finish to the whole grilling experience is to eat your meat without utensils, plates or napkins, preferably wearing a viking helmet. Wash the partially chewed flesh down with mead and toss the bones onto the floor. Grunt a lot, and laugh loud barrel-chested laughs. And rejoice that you’re a man.
photo by chatirygirl
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s because (generally) men don’t multitask well. Cooking inside means you have to get the meat in the oven so that it’s done at the exact time that you can get the bread and the potatoes cooked and the vegetables prepped and prepared and get all the drinks poured and… everything has to come together at once like this horribly complex choreography. Outside at the grill, it’s just meat. Flame. Flip. Wait. We can handle that.
What is your opinion on the use of spices and marinades? Manly or no? I really should get back to my essay and stop thinking about grilled steaks…
Spices and marinades are right on the border, Steven. I think if they involve beer they are probably acceptable or if they are very hot spices. Anything with lemons is out.
In Canada we grill all winter long. We're much manlier than you Americans.
That's definitely manly, Allen. It would be more so if you guys grilled in the winter with no shirts on.
Wow. I don't know what to say. I just hit the send button to invite you and Kristi over for fresh corn on the cob, the unwritten but implied idea being that we will also be grilling some good meat to go along with it, and I get an email that says there's a new Blazing Center post, and I check it, and you're talking about the manly art (?) of grilling. I don't know what's worse, finding out 2 weeks after becoming members of a church that our pastor believes in cavemen, or having to break the news to him that I do all the grilling around here. Yep, unlike most of the world's men, Don files grilling under the broad heading of "cooking" and won't touch it with a 3-foot wooden-handled meat fork. Golly, maybe we should just resign now to save you the trouble of kicking us out. It's so odd that I persist in thinking of him as VERY manly.
(He doesn't even drink coffee, for pity's sake!!)
I'm sorry to hear about Don's tragic flaws (no grilling, no coffee), Lisa, for I know he's manly in other ways, like dirt biking. He probably does dirt biking because he feels so unmanly for not grilling and drinking coffee.
Ooh, yeah, dirtbiking should be good for lots of manpoints. He REALLY gets smelly and sweaty doing that. Also, even though he doesn't drink coffee, sometimes he drinks milk from a dirty glass. (Half a point maybe? It isn't skim.)
drinking from a dirty glass = 1 manpoint
drinking milk = -2 manpoints unless it is loaded with chocolate and he lets it run down his chin, which is +2 manpoints
(Oh, and by the way, I don't check for spiders either, but should I ever want to, I could enlist his help and he would, in a very manly way indeed, stride right on up to that grill and check for those spiders. That's got to count for something.)
Ok, I'll give you him a point for spider courage.
Call me nitpicky, but I found it odd that the photo for a blog post celebrating manliness was by someone named "charitygirl."
By the by, wearing an apron of any kind negates any man points you earn by grilling.
Am I right?
I had a slight twinge of guilt for using a photo by a girl, but I figure the guys were killing things at the time.
Definitely, wearing an apron of any kind ever removes all manpoints.
I am teaching right now, but I wish I could leave and fire up my grill!
false, you are reading a blog. :-p
well played though. lol
Hope you went straight home and fired it up.
No apron. No spider check. Really, no bee check. Of course, I was grilling in December in North Carolina with 14 inches of snow on the ground. Really.
What the heck is this "propane" stuff of which you profane the world of grilldom? Propane? Gas? Holy cow.
Break out the chimney and the Kingsford.
Hey Bernard, you get manly points for grilling in 14 inches of snow, but living in North Carolina takes less manliness than living in Pennsylvania, where we get 14 inches of snow a day.
I tip my hat to you for using charcoal – I did it for many years. True, charcoal hearkens back to cavemen and vikings and cowboys. But I use propane to support the manly men on the gas rigs and oil derricks….
I agree…no wimpy propane at our house…it's straight up charcoal and wood.
I wish I had a clue about IntenseDebate comment management….
I don't either Bernard. As men, we probably don't need to worry about it.
This is one of the things lacking at my current house: a nice grill.
Here is a list of the things I've seen grilled or smoked (which is like grilling, but longer and usually involves entire animals) since moving to Frederick.
1. A pig.
2. Steak.
3. Chicken.
4. A goat.
Yes, a goat. A goat that had been living the very morning I ate it. And we then smoked it on a grill. Rumor has it that we're having an upcoming man festival in which a large pig will be smoked, possibly by digging a hole in the ground and smoking it that way. Mmmmmmmm.
Wow Brando, a goat! That's serious man points. You gotta take some pictures of the upcoming man festival. Can't wait to see your viking helmets.
Hah! Well, our viking theme party involved the goat. There was also mead served, after epic battles. Sometimes, I think our church qualifies for an excess of man points.
I don't either Bernard. As men, we probably don't need to worry about it.
My 13 year-old Jonathan learned how to grill this year. Caught him roasting the Blue Marshmallow Peeps from his Easter Basket. I guess that out here in suburbia that is closest my boy will ever get to hunting.
This post explains why every time I suggest grilling the (steaks/chicken/hot dogs/insert meat here) on the indoor George Forman type grill, my husband has a seizure and grabs the meat and runs outside!!
Of course, when he's at work, and grilling is needed, I used the indoor one. Probably because inherently I know I'm not qualified to use the outdoor one.
Very enlightening. Thanks!!
Thank you for this extremely helpful article! I recently started my blog and now know how to pull in more traffic. Working on it as we speak!