Just In Time For Christmas

Are you tired of secular Inflatable Christmas Lawn Ornaments, like Santa Claus, Grinch, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Bart Simpson Santa?  Well, now your front yard can send a Christian message to all your neighbors.

We at The Blazing Center are pleased to introduce our brand new line of Christian Leader Inflatable Christmas Lawn Ornaments.  Standing 12 feet tall each and economically priced at $299.99 plus shipping, these colorful ornaments will not only add Christmas cheer to your neighborhood, but provoke your neighbors to curiosity and to think about what’s really important in life.

Our first ornament is the John Piper “Don’t Waste Your Christmas” Inflatable Lawn Ornament.

Every time your neighbors pass your house they will be challenged to throw out their sea shell collections and do something spiritually worthwhile, like go to their church and serve by setting up the big screen TV for the Super Bowl Party.

Next is our CJ Mahaney “Better Than I Deserve” Lawn Ornament.

This incredible inflatable comes with a CD that keeps repeating the phrases, “Santa just put on a clinic in generosity,” and “Christmas is a hill we’re going to die on.”  The point of this ornament is that every time your neighbors see it, they’ll say, “I’m doing better than I deserve.  I should be dead, but instead I live next to a neighbor who puts an inflatable CJ in his yard.”

Now we have our Bob Kauflin “Perfect Posture” Lawn Ornament.

All the children in the neighborhood will walk taller and straighter as they are constantly inspired by Bob’s perfectly straight back when he sits at the piano.  This ornament comes with 16 pre-recorded motion-activated songs, so that when someone walks by on the street they will hear hits like, “Santa Claus Isn’t Coming to Town Cause He’s Not Real,” and other songs to get families talking.

Finally, we have our Joshua Harris Reindeer Yard Globe.

This dazzling globe, a perfect sphere 150 times the size of Joshua’s own perfectly proportioned head is lit from within by 2,000 tiny lightbulbs, and glows so brightly, your neighbors will be able to read their Bibles without turning on any lights in their own homes.  They’ll love you for it.

So order yours today.  And watch for more inflatables to come, like our line of Puritan Preachers, featuring a giant Charles Spurgeon smoking a cigar.  This ornament belches out enough cigar smoke to envelop 10 city blocks.  Order now.  Supplies are limited.

Comments

  1. lisa says

    Brilliant, Mark! Thanks for starting my day with a laugh. This woke me up better than caffeine even.
    "They will be challenged to throw out their sea shell collections" — LOL! Great stuff.
    And I never thought about Bob's posture but you're right… he does sit straight and tall, doesn't he?

    • MarkAltrogge says

      Hey Lisa,

      Better than caffeine? That's the highest compliment anyone could pay me. And Bob's posture makes me feel like a slouch.

  2. ronman4 says

    What do you mean Santa isn't real? Awww, man….I wish someone would have told me earlier, I'm still waiting on that Red Rider BB gun..oh well!
    I love the Josh Harris head, a little creepy but I'm strangely drawn to it….hmmmmm

  3. Greg H. Jr. says

    I came very close to laughing out loud in class while reading this! Thanks, Mark!
    Just imagine the electric bill after plugging in that Josh Harris Yard Globe!

    How are the sales coming so far??

    • MarkAltrogge says

      Thanks Greg!

      Yeah you'll have to have a lot of cash to run the Yard Globe. Sales are brisk this morning and there are lots of requests for the Spurgeon Yard Ornament.

  4. Tim Ferrell says

    PART ONE OF TWO POSTS

    I have done some refecting a bit more on your Christmas Humor

    I offer these thoughts for your consideration as your brother in Jesus.

    Had you simply made fun of yourselves (I heard a preacher say once that hilarity is next to holiness) it would have been most delightful and refreshingly funny.

    But I encourage us to consider our words (perhaps the spirit?), such as yours:

    "Are you tired of secular Inflatable Christmas Lawn Ornaments, like Santa Claus, Grinch, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Bart Simpson Santa? Well, now your front yard can send a Christian message to all your neighbors.

    We at The Blazing Center are pleased to introduce our brand new line of Christian Leader Inflatable Christmas Lawn Ornaments. Standing 12 feet tall each and economically priced at $299.99 plus shipping, these colorful ornaments will not only add Christmas cheer to your neighborhood, but provoke your neighbors to curiosity and to think about what’s really important in life.

  5. Tim Ferrell says

    •yours seems to be an assumption that pagans should not act like pagans
    •the other is that we/they are the self-righteous ones – it may well be that each worker in your ministry has a Christmas Tree in their home?
    •if I am a believer, a reformed theologian would tell me that it is only by grace and I had nothing do with it – I was chosen before the foundation of the earth and I did not choose HIM but HE chose me – so, once I/others become aware that I have been transferred from the Kingdom of darkness to the Kingdom of light then why all of a sudden would I treat the ‘perhaps un-chosen’ ungraciously, without mercy and grace and kindness and understanding.

  6. Tim Ferrell says

    PART 3

    •it is a national holiday so pagans may celebrate and join in the season as citizens of this land
    •we don’t SEND a message to our neighbors, we ARE the message – sinners loved being with Jesus, the most holy, righteous, pure one and HE loved being with them in many normal social settings (people were getting drunk at the wedding in Cana, eh?). Even HIS righteousness convicted them of their sin (except the religiously mature ones,eh?) and when that happened they embraced HIM as their savior.
    •my above reflection sobered me to love my neighbor and seek shalom for them as they are of infinite worth and Jesus loves them, dying for them.

    thank you for considering my words – John Piper has and does minister greatly to me.

    Merry Christmas to you and GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

    • MarkAltrogge says

      Hey Tim,

      Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your heart for the lost and your concern that I would perhaps be mocking inappropriately.

      Let me assure you that first of all, we make fun of ourselves all the time. I did a post not too long ago about why we make fun of ourselves. I am a pastor in Sovereign Grace Ministries, and I am friends with CJ, Bob Kauflin, and Joshua Harris. In Sovereign Grace Ministries we do a lot of poking fun at ourselves.

      Whenever I poke fun at someone, I mean absolutely nothing by it. It is actually a way of expressing affection with absolutely no criticism or mocking intended. So when I poked fun at John Piper, I meant nothing by it. He has helped me immensely. I think I have read most of his books. I consider him one of the finest preachers I know.

      Also, I meant nothing about sending a message to our neighbors via Christmas ornaments. I would never try to do that. Actually, that was supposed to be part of the humor, that it would be absurd to try to witness to our neighbors through Christmas ornaments. I totally believe that we should treat non-Christians graciously and humbly and lovingly.

      I don't have any problem at all with people having Christmas tree sit in their homes–I have one every year.

      Anyway, hope this explains it a little bit, and thank you for caring enough for me and taking the time to express your concerns.

      Mark

      • Tim Ferrell says

        thank you Mark – i did not pick up on the whole spoof – just overly sensitive i guess to the use of 'secular' – my wife and i read the Bible with quite a few unbelievers and socialize with them often.

        i knew the blow ups were a joke and not serious and as i said, difinitely funny.

        but often very 'conservative' members of Jesus' body take shots at the pagans for 'ruining the holidays for us in our christian nation' if you get my drift. pardon me for not realizing that you indeed were not upset that pagans put santa claus, etc. blow ups in their yards.

        grateful,
        tim

        • MarkAltrogge says

          No problem, Tim,

          I think it's great that you and your wife reach out to unbelievers and socialize with them. We should all follow your example!

  7. Bob says

    I can't stop looking at CJ's legs. and Piper's hand. The whole thing has some sort of mesmerizing effect on me. People are going to have bad dreams.

    • MarkAltrogge says

      Hey Bob,

      I included some subliminal messages, which probably explains the mesmerizing effect. I think CJ could stand to have his legs lengthened…

    • MarkAltrogge says

      Yes Chad, if you can't afford the Yard Globe you should purchase one of the more energy efficient ones….or disconnect a few hundred of the light bulbs

    • MarkAltrogge says

      They work just as well without snow, Ken, though the Yard Globe looks really nice reflecting off a freshly fallen snow.

  8. @mturbanic says

    I’ve been praying for a good way to bring the Gospel to my neighbors this holiday season; I’m just bummed they’re so expensive!

  9. Vic Rauch says

    I can not afford one of the lawn ornaments, but I'm thinking of copying the Piper Santa image and using it for my Facebook profile photo!
    Thank you Father for the gift of humor!

    • Mark Altrogge says

      Hey Phil,

      Thanks! Man do we miss you and Amanda! Great to hear from you. We're gonna have to relocate our church over there…

  10. says

    This was great! I hurt my neck the other night and am sitting here reading this post with ice packs on my neck and back. I started laughing so hard I started crying because my laughter was causing my neck to hurt really bad but I just couldn't stop :). The song about Santa not coming to town took me over the top in laughing!

    • Mark Altrogge says

      Hi Sandi, I’m really sorry about your neck- hope it gets better quickly. I hope that laughter will work good like medicine…also, we can’t be responsible for injuries incurred while reading our blog. Seriously, get well soon!

    • Mark Altrogge says

      Thanks Jim,

      I was a bit concerned that some might not get it or be offended, but apart from one individual I haven't heard of any misunderstandings – and the individual was gracious and kind and when I explained it, understood it was a spoof.

  11. Michele says

    These are men of God. It seems sort of demeaning to make a joke of them. I'm not a humorless person, but this doesn't seem right.

  12. Jon Hughes says

    Mark, I have not laughed that hard for a long, long time. I stumbled across this while looking for a storybook bible recommendation for my niece. Needless to say – my internet searching skills need some work… Still, I'm thankful for the errant keystrokes that brought me to this page.

    Just outstanding.

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