Last week, Stephen did 2 posts on depression and anxiety. My wife Kristi told me I could write about her experiences in the hope that some would be encouraged.
20 years ago, my wife Kristi awoke in the morning with a rapid heartbeat and intense anxiety.
We went to the emergency room, where they did all kinds of tests to try to determine the cause of her abnormal heartbeat, which was between 140-160 beats per minute (60-90 is normal). They found nothing and by the time we left a couple hours later she was back to normal, though she remembered that a few days before she had felt strange sensations in her head.
A couple days later, it happened again as she was playing a game with the kids. Her intense anxiety continued for weeks. This was a horrific time for Kristi. She would cry constantly for no reason. My sweet wife, who was normally lighthearted and cheerful, sat there with a hopeless expression on her face. Her eyes looked dark and empty to me. She was unable to be around people. She was completely incapacitated. She was suffering pain I couldn’t fathom.
I didn’t know what was going on. I thought it was a demonic attack. I fasted and prayed and rebuked the enemy. I thought it must somehow be my fault, that I wasn’t leading and caring for my wife somehow. I thought I might have to step down from being a pastor.
Eventually after seeing several doctors, Kristi was diagnosed with a depressive disorder that initially manifested with anxiety. She started on some medication, and about 6 weeks later she began to feel better and able to care for the kids and house again. Finding the right medication was God’s mercy to us at that time, though that would not be Kristi’s last bout with depression and anxiety.
Sadly, many well-meaning Christians were not helpful in the months and years that followed. Often they assumed Kristi’s depression was caused by sin and taking medication represented a lack of faith. One pastor’s wife told Kristi, “I know the Lord would never lead me to take medication.” We hoped she would never have to experience the onslaught of depression.
Depression and anxiety are complicated.
Physically caused depression and anxiety are different from spiritual depression and fear-based anxiety though sometimes they can overlap, which makes it very difficult to sort out and care for people. In 30 years of pastoring I have known folks who regularly give into unbelief and negative thinking who don’t get clinically depressed, and others who trust God and search their hearts who battle depression.
I can say “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love him” to one woman, and when she is taking her medication she responds in faith, yet when she goes off her medication she hears the same verse and says, “I guess I don’t love God then.”
Medication can be a wonderful mercy from God. In our culture many are too quick to take medicine, but when someone is suffering “the fury of a depression” who wouldn’t desire relief? It is not a sin or unbelief to take medication. We’d never tell someone with diabetes it is a sin to take medicine.
Yet, as an experienced Christian doctor told me, medication should never take the place of sanctification. Even when one takes medication he must continue to do heart work, seek to trust and think right thoughts about God.
Physically depressed/anxious people don’t want to be that way. They are suffering. They are in pain. If Kristi could have escaped it by simply changing her thoughts she would have. In 20 years of battling depression and anxiety, Kristi has consistently examined her heart, sought the Lord, exercised faith, and graciously endured much misunderstanding.
Care for those who suffer with severe depression. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. Pray for them. Be patient with them. Be a friend to them. One person I know went for a walk every day with her depressed neighbor. I hope I can be that kind of friend.
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Mark,
Appreciate this post. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for nearly 30 years. While I was pastoring, I felt tremendous guilt over this issue, and refused to take medication, believing this to be merely a spiritual condition best remedied by the Word of God.
However, a few years ago both my wife and doctor convinced me that this was a physical condition, just like my wife's diabetes. I can't tell you the relief this medication has brought, as I continue to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
Hey John,
I can't even begin to imagine being able to do much of anything, let alone trying to pastor, while battling depression. What grace, what perseverance! I am so glad to hear that you have found some relief–pastoring is hard enough without challenges like you faced. I can't wait to see your reward in heaven.
Thank you, Kristi, for sharing your story; I am confident the Lord will use it to bless many today, particularly His sons and daughters. You taking medication for depression is no different than me taking meds for my diabetes. Not taking meds for either one of these diseases, when needed, would be counter productive – even foolish in my opinioin. We would never tell someone with diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or a myriad of other diseases to stop taking their medication – why would we tell someone struggling with depression any different? But like Mark metioned and any doctor worth his salt will tell you, medication alone is not the answer for depression or diabetes – staying healthy spiritually, mentally and physically, is simply hard work. And you are doing that. Our Father is good, kind, gracious, loving, and an every present help in our need. He has, is, and will provide all we need. Thanks again, Kristi; you have been and continue to be a great blessing to me and to all who know you. Thanks for the encouragement! Remember you are loved!
Hey Elaine, I will pass this on to Kristi – she is doing some hospice work tonight. I\’m sure she\’ll be blessed by your comments!
Thanks, Mark, and many thanks to our dear Kristi, for being so transparent and sharing so candidly. I know it will be a great blessing and encouagement to many. We love you guys.
Thanks Lisa, you are always so encouraging.
Hi Mark,
I have a question that has been on my heart for years now. I guess you could say it has haunted me, because I’m not sure what else to do, Aside from praying, forgiving, and understanding that a suffering person is consummed with their pain and confussion.
I have always been afraid to ask. It may or may not be difficult to answer.
When someone you love dearly, wether family or friend is enduring or has endured long suffering, through, loss, pain, hurts from others, depression, anxiety etc.. And in the midst
of this you have done nothing but try to love and care for them rather than condemn them, only to end up getting deeply hurt by them. Not just during their long season of suffering, but even after. This also effecting the friendships I had with others who are also involved with the afflicted.
What should one do?
I have continuously prayed, I have forgiven, and tried to continue
the friendship, as if I were never effected/offended myself. In other words, (love unconditionaly), but at the same time feel as if I walk on egg shells and am always waiting for the next attack…. I can not go to this person and tell them how I feel, for they are easily offended and see no wrong in what they do….Suffering a similar loss to this person, I truly understand their pain… ( Though never given the opportunity to share) I care for them very much, but was thrown in the mix of people whom they believe don’t understand and condemnd them for not having faith (or enough) when I have known all along that it had nothing to do with how much or how little faith they had….
My husband clearly has said to me that .. There is to be no friendship with this person and that I am not to be around them. This also effects the friendships that I have who are also involved with this person… This is heartbreaking for me, because this means I have to let go of people that are important to me…including the afflicted..
His desision for this, is for my spiritual and emotional protection, I do understand…. And also through this experience I feel like I can no longer be as trusting with people as I have always been …
I am clearly hurting and confussed, but trying my hardest to trust God and what he is trying to teach me through this…. Though my only answer is to just stay at home and stay away from people, which I do not believe is correct.
Any advice and all prayers are much appreciated!
Thank you
them, I enjoy their company and find them very intriguing! I
Oops, that last sentence dome how got pushed down… But, you get the point!
Hi Chrissy,
Your situation sounds really hard and painful and complicated as well. I might not have a very good grasp on what is going on. First of all, I don’t know whether this person you are talking about is a Christian or not. If they are a Christian, (and even if they’re not) being depressed or suffering severe anxiety does not give anyone the right to sin. Someone who is fighting depression may have more temptations to anger or selfishness because they don’t feel well, but as I said in the post Christians still have to do the hard work of sanctification, putting sin to death, and obeying Jesus even while they are suffering.
I understand your husband’s position and probably would agree that if after reaching out to someone for a long period of time and they just continue to sin against you I don’t believe the Lord would call you to continue to expose yourself to that generally. I think it depends on who it is and your relationship to them. Probably if you were going to continue your relationship, you and/or your husband should talk with them about the way they treat you. If they don’t listen, then I don’t think you should continue to expose yourself to that kind of treatment.
I don’t know how your friends play into this, but I know that God wants you as a believer to have relationships with other believers. He calls us into relationship with our fellow Christians.
As I write, I think of another possible take on this – that would be if you were able and feel like God would call you to this, Jesus said love your enemies and do good to them, expecting nothing in return. So you could continue to do kind things to this person, just expect nothing back from them.
I hope these thoughts are helpful–I feel like I really don’t know quite enough about your situation to give a really good reply. Have you talked with your pastor about it?
Thank you Mark,
I didn’t expect an easy answer.. And I felt like giving
more info than I did, could reveal too much…
Yes, I have tried to speak with my paster, but felt like ( the cards had already been dealt against me) so to speak….
Your second option.. Of loving your enemies…
I do clearly understand the command, BUT, for me, despite all of the
uglyness that can happen to me from someone… My desire is to always love them and count them as my friend… Even if they may not consider me in the same way..
Not sure if that us a strength or a weakness?!
Thank you very much… And I am very impressed and we are all very Blessed at how you care for us so much that you take the time to reply to our questions and comments.
You're welcome Chrissy. Wish I could do more. Thank you for adding your comments.
And by the way… Unless this has already been suggested by another reader…
John Pipers,” When the Darkness will not Lift” is a good read for this topic.. I have read it.. And desided to re- read it today after reading the last 2 days worth of posts!
As far as medication for depression goes… Depression can have physical side effects that grow until they have a life of their own, quite apart from the person still being depressed or not. If you go through long periods of depression, you may develop chronic headaches, obesity, severely low seratonin levels, etc. Medication can help alleviate those symptoms, but if the depression isn't dealt with (whether it's physically or spiritually caused) then the medication will just mask the outflows of the depression. Medication can be a great cure (if the causes are physical) or a great assistance in giving you the space to deal with the issues (if the causes are spiritual).
I found Jim Berg's material in *Quieting a Noisy Soul* to be a great help. He goes in depth into causes and treatments of panic attacks, anxiety, depression, etc. http://www.quietinganoisysoul.com
Thanks for your comments Jeff. I like what you said about medication giving people space to deal with the issues. I agree. Sometimes when in the \”full fury\” of depression or anxiety, it is hard to even think, let alone search your heart for roots of sin, but medication can help – this is not my thought but the wisdom a Christian teacher who has studied depression in depth once shared with me.
Wonderful post. I've felt depressed before, and had one anxiety attack (at night, in a two-man tent!). But never anything like you describe. But if I had a nickel for every time I've heard people tell their a sufferer, "oh, just buck up! You've got so much to be happy about…" And then they go on to list all the wonderful things in life to be thankful for. Like depression is somehow linked to ingratitude.
I know two people both of whom have recently lost their wives, who are struggling with depression. I'm hoping to pass this post on to them.
Thanks, Jeff, for the heads up on "Quieting a Noisy Soul." Great name; I'll check that out.
Mark: any other resources you could list for those wanting to help a friend, or going through this themselves? I've got Piper's book….
I love Romans 8:28, but boy I got tired of it being tossed at me lightly when my own wife died last year. And I'll tell you what, though I'm glad for it – it's a precious verse – I began to feel better when looked more closely at verse 29!!!
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. 29For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son…"
Oh! So God is doing something with my pain after all! Conforming me to the likeness of His Son. Now I can see some sense in this. Some purpose. That helps me cope….to see that God is DOING something and that this is not random or arbitrary. He wants me to look more like Jesus. Guess I'll try to go along with His program…..
And that quiets my anxiety and at least gives me a context within which to works things out.
I don't suffer from acute depression or anxiety, though, so I'm not sure what an acute sufferer would do or say.
Thanks so much, Kristi, for being vulnerable and sharing your story.
Hi Chris,
I\’m so sad to hear that you lost your wife last year. I can\’t fathom what that would be like. Your insight into Romans 8:28-29 and following is excellent – you\’re absolutely right – God causes all things to work together for our good, that good being conformity to Christ.
A couple ideas for resources: John Newton\’s letters – though they don\’t all deal with depression, many deal with suffering in a very pastoral way.
The Psalms of course – David cries out to God from the pit of sorrow and confusion at times, yet trusts God, and there are so many wonderful promises of God, like in Ps 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God by Piper and Taylor – the chapter by David Powlison especially. And The Jesus Person Pocket Promise Book: 800 promises from the word of God – it\’s all Scripture promises listed by topic.
Again, thanks for your comments!
Thanks Mark. And thanks again for this post…it is really quite precious…a raw subject and your *obvious* pastor's heart is just right for a painful subject. My heart just breaks for 'Heretic' a few comments below this….because I, too, know of controlling churches that cause harm in the name of spirituality and religion. All too common and I thought your comments have been right on for everyone, so thanks.
thank you for posting on this.
You\’re welcome, in wonder…
:: thank you thank you. thank you for posting this.
You\’re welcome, Jewel!
Thanks, Mark, for bringing the subject of depression, that so many of us suffer from, into the light. You're both in my prayers and I pray that her meds. help, as mine have. Hugs to Kristi.
Thanks Missy, especially for praying. Right now her medications are really helping, though over the years they would work for a while then stop working and she\’d have to try something else. We\’re grateful for God\’s mercies in giving relief through medicine.
Thank you so much for your honesty and humility. I have struggled with depression for years and as a Christian, questioned my "spirituality". I too came to the conclusion, that it was a physical disease that I have to take medication for. Thank you for KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING what I am going through. Blessings
Hi Dixie, thanks for adding your comments. It is so sad that so many question their relationship with the Lord and feel condemned or ashamed because they suffer from depression. I\’m grateful we\’ve been through it so we can encourage others, though we wouldn\’t have chosen it. But as has already been mentioned, God causes all things, even depression to work together for good to those who love him.
I can't believe you're saying all of this. It makes me want to sob…for a year.
I spent YEARS sitting under teaching that all of this psychobabble was wrong. If I confessed depression, I was removed from serving in the church and all my sources of fellowship and encouragement were eliminated. My husband was scolded for not leading me out of depression and I think he felt pressured to respond harshly to my moods in order to control them.
I have everything I've ever wanted. I have a wonderful family and beautiful children and a husband that loves the Lord. I am so happy about all that God has given me. But, I missed my children's childhood, sitting in a chair, unable to emerge from the heaviness that engulfed me. As I became more despondent, I spent hours filling out Victory Over Sin Worksheets trying to make myself better. I was relying on the church to solve a medical problem. No longer able to feed myself or drink, I became too weak to seek help and began slipping away…unable to get up.
Finally, in the biggest crisis of my spiritual life, I committed the ultimate heresy. Barely able to walk, I climbed out of bed and drove myself to a doctor.
Going out from under the pastors I trusted and the church that had taught me for so long and the support of my husband and seeking help alone was absolutely the most difficult thing I have ever done. The guilt and condemnation was unbearable. With the support of no one…I stepped out alone into the unknown. It was such a scary thing…losing your mind. I wish I could have had the support of my friends to face such an enormous trial. I felt completely abandoned.
I hope your words will help others seek medical help without feeling like they are committing heresy.
Dear Heretic,
I feel grieved and so sad for you. What you described is a travesty. I assume and hope that you were finally helped by medication. It is so sad when Christians can't share their suffering and have their brothers and sisters bear their burdens because of bad doctrine.
Those who suffer like you did from others have an additional challenge – to forgive those who in ignorance either condemned them or failed to have compassion on them.
You probably know this, but even in your loneliness and suffering, Jesus was with you and was sovereign even over your horrific pain, and loved you as his daughter and still loves you so very deeply. Somehow he causes even our sufferings to bring him glory and uses us to comfort and help others. I would guess that you are filled with mercy and compassion and have much comfort to offer those you know who are suffering like you did.
Thank you for your comments. I would imagine there are many in similar situations to you, who will be helped by your words to not feel guilt for something they can't help.
I guess it never occurred to me that I needed to forgive people who either condemned me or failed to have compassion on me. Until you started posting, I thought they were right and I was wrong. I'm the one that went out from under my church's teaching. I'm the one that rejected my husband's leadership in this. I thought I was the one sinning.
Dear Heretic,
Suffering can present us with temptations in themselves. For example, when I am sick, I can be more easily tempted to selfishness and irritability/anger. When people suffer depression, they can be tempted to unbelief that God loves them or cares for them. They can be tempted toward condemnation, thinking they have somehow sinned and God rejects them. And they can be tempted to be bitter or offended at others who don\’t show compassion toward them or understand and they\’re experiencing. So if you feel that it is appropriate, I would encourage you to forgive those who sinned against you through their lack of compassion.
As a sufferer of depression for some 25 years (diagnosed) and who knows how long undiagnosed before that, I can totally relate to so many of the comments made about being made to feel guilty and so many other things, too. And not knowing what was wrong with me. And being blamed for not having enough faith.
The first 'light' was when I was shown a video, put out by one of the drug companies in Australia, called, "Depression and Men". I kept saying, "Yes, that's me!", but it was too late; my marriage had died and my children had been taken away from me.
Now, I would like to recommend a book written last year by David P. Murray, "Christians Get Depressed Too". I recommend the book to everyone – sufferers, their families, and especially their pastors. Available in the US from Reformation Heritage Books, in Australia from Reformers Bookshop (am I allowed to do that promotion?)
Hey Andrew,
Thank you for adding your comments. I am so sad to hear how your life was affected. But I am encouraged to know that you were able to get help and still are following the Lord. Thank you for the book recommendation – I will check it out.
Mark,
Thanks for sharing this. I think it's important to mention that while a pastor can certainly pray for someone suffering with depression, they are not always the best resource. There is help to be found with a professional who is a Christian, not always easy to find, but certainly worth searching out. We've known pastors for years who dealt with depression as a sin-only issue due to their lack of training/education in this area. We've walked alongside our depressed teen for years now and there is nothing like the ministry of presence, just sitting beside them and letting them know you are willing to do whatever to help them. It can mean listening to music that makes a Christian mom shudder, but the pain in that song expresses something the sufferer can't get to verbally. It means being willing to enter a world of pain and suffering that can be unfamiliar and scary. It means choosing your words very carefully when attempting to describe a loving God to one who has been scarred deeply. I'm sure you know that books/articles can be helpful but only the love of God can reach in and help the suffering.
I am thankful for those willing to walk this difficult road with us.
Thanks to you and Kristi for shedding light on this subject.
Hi Lori, I am so sorry to hear about your teen's suffering. I can't imagine how painful and hard that is for you as a mom. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of caring for your child, being there, entering their world of pain, choosing words carefully as you tell them of God's love. I'm so glad to know that our hope is Jesus and as you said the love of God can reach in and help the suffering. Thank you for adding your comments.
Thank you for sharing this with us! I had to share this with others!
Thanks Marguerite!
I have experienced times of intense sadness in my life, which seemed to have no apparent reason. I think a lot of the cause was hormonal imbalance (a book should be written about how synthetic hormones given for labor induction affect women). However, the one thing for which I "rejoiced" and praised God during those dark times was that He was allowing me to go through those times of trial so that I would cast myself on Him. Each morning when I woke, I prayed, "Lord, I can't. I can't get through this day without more of your grace and mercy. Please give me the strength to honor you today, regardless of how I feel." God was always faithful to me (and my family) in those long seasons. He gets the glory!
I can relate to the comments…few people knew, but some who did were quick to tell me that depression is sin. Thankfully, there are some excellent, Biblical resources out there that tackle the subject. Thanks for addressing this issue! May we all strive to be more gracious toward others!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Thanks for these excellent comments Elizabeth. By God's grace, we are to rejoice as you did and cast ourselves on him in our dark moments. And even if someone finds relief from depression with medication, they will still have plenty of trials and will still need to "rejoice" and cast themselves on him at all times. Praise God for his faithfulness!
Thank you for this post. My mother is bi-polar and schizophrenic and I have been told by more than one person that she must not be saved since she suffers from those illnesses. While I refused to believe those statements it is an encouragement to hear that sentiment supported from a position of church leadership with such humility and conviction. I also appreciated your comparison of someone battling a depressive condition against someone with a diabetes illness, so many times it is the tangible, physical conditions that receive mercy from Christians and it's the elusive, shadowboxing illnesses that are met with fear, disdain and dismissal.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.
Sara, I feel so sad for your mother. She must suffer terribly. It's so sad that anyone would tell you that she must not be saved because she suffers from those illnesses. Being saved is a matter of trusting and calling on Christ. I've known godly Christians who suffered from these things and were helped by medication. Our outer man is decaying, and that outer man includes our brain. You're so right – obvious physical conditions usually receive mercy while mental conditions, which often have a physical basis, don't.
Thank you again for posting such a real and honest look into this subject. So encouraging!
Wrestling against my Black Dog
Mental disorders are common in people of the United States. According to statistics found on the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. Major Depressive Disorder, a mental disorder, is the leading cause of disability in the United States for ages 15-44. Mood disorders cost employers 16 billion dollars in lost work time each year.
Depression seems to be the most common type of mood disorder. Depression affects nearly 13 million people per year. Almost twice as many women suffer from depression than men. Only 20% of people who develop depression receive adequate treatment. Yet 97 percent of those reporting depression are of the opinion their work, home life, and relationships have suffered because of it.
Each of us knows someone who has experienced depression or some other metal disorder. We have seen how it affects their lives and the lives of their family and friends. As a community, we do not seem to be as secretive about depression as we once were. At one time we only whispered about our family members who had what was once called a “nervous breakdown.” Now we talk about it more openly. Yet it still is embarrassing to admit you are being treated for it.
Depression is an extremely complex disease. It occurs for a variety of reasons. Some people experience depression during a serious medical illness. Others may have depression with life changes such as a move or the death of a loved one. Still others have a family history of depression.
Depression is not diagnosed by a medical test. There is no blood test or body function measurement the medical community can use to determine if a patient has depression. There is no easy way to measure the levels of brain chemicals to tell the doctor what and how much of a medication is needed to fix the problem. Depression is not tangible like the flu or a boil. Maybe this is one reason why people feel humiliated who suffer from it. They feel they are a weak because something “in their head” is making them sick.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. The cause is convoluted. A natural leaning toward melancholy, stress from this economy, and lack of exercise seem to have pushed me deep into this fight. I have been seeking help with this struggle for about 3 years. When I look back at my life, I realize I have had symptoms of depression since I was in elementary school. When I first started getting help for my depression, I was ashamed. I felt less of a man.
…
It seems crazy to say, but now I have a fondness of my wrestle against what Winston Churchill called his “Black Dog.” Depression is no fun. It’s painful. It’s not something to wish for. But as I look back on the assault I have had to make against it, I see it has yielded more positive changes in my life than the depression’s pain.
Depression has been used to change me and strengthen me. Some may see this as the natural outcome of hard work against the depression. I would agree. But was this sickness just a random event I turned to good in my life. No, God is allowing it in order to root out the unprofitable and replace it with more profitable attitudes, actions and behaviors.
I’ve become thankful for my depression because it has been the fertilizer that is producing a better relationship with Jesus, my wife, Linda, and my son, Nikolay. It is forcing me to learn more about being a leader and a newspaper publisher.
The stratagem to fight my depression and fear is a four-pronged assault: medication, counseling, spiritual exercise and physical exercise. Since each person who struggles with depression is different these tactics may not work in all cases. The trick is to keep fighting this war trying all weapons until you find the ones that work.If you are depressed the first thing you should do is to make an appointment with your doctor. He or she can help you look at the different medical avenues available to treat this issue. When depression first surfaced, I waited longer than I should have to see the doctor. I thought I could fight it on my own. Going to your doctor early helps you get the upper hand.
A good counselor has helped me sort through all the causes of my depression. With his help, I can breakdown the issues into smaller battles. I can now choose one area to improve without being overwhelmed with fighting against the whole gambit.
On the spiritual front, my weapons are the Bible, prayer and accountability. I spend time reading, and thinking about verses from Scripture that speak to what is bringing on the depression or anxiety. I’ve also read a couple of good books addressing depression from a Biblical perspective.
Because I believe God is a God who hears and cares about me, I ask Him for help. I also have a number of guys I ask to pray for me while I feel the twinge of gloom coming on me. These same guys will keep me accountable when they notice me slipping into patterns of thought leading to depression.
Exercise has been a big help in fighting against my depression. I have never been much into sports. My life could be described as sedimentary. For the last two years I have been working out twice a week with two close friends. I have taken up jogging recently. One good way to fight off the blues is to work up a good “sweat.” I now am much more physically fit. I feel better. I find I relax better than I did when I was a lazy bum, and I sleep much better too.
Depression does not make you a weak person. In fact, it can make you a much stronger person. Even if the depression does not totally go away, as you fight against it, you will be better equipped to live this life to the fullest. The critical thing is to not to ignore the depression, but to start your fight against it with a visit to your doctor.
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