In Case Of Rapture, Click Here

With the current interest in judgment day and the end of the world, it should not be surprising that some Christians would be concerned for the welfare of their pets in the event that the owners are suddenly caught up to heaven.

Sure enough, some concerned pet owners have launched a website to meet such a serious need.  For a small $10 fee, which is charged only to discourage everyone but serious Christian pet owners, aftertherapturepetcare.com promises to have non-Christians search for your pets and look after them in the event you are raptured.  They promise to take care of every legitimate kind of pet, even insects that are left behind.  Yes, even your pet tarantula will be in good hands – that is, if you trust the unbelievers who will be running aftertherapturepetcare.com.

We have 2 dogs, which actually look rather post-apocalyptic since we recently had them shaved.  My wife failed to specify how short to shave them, so the groomer did an extreme job, shaving every bit of hair from their bodies but their tails and snouts.  So they actually look like dog versions of the Zombies in “I Am Legend.”  I think they will probably be fine after the rapture, hiding in empty buildings and eating other pets whose owners didn’t sign them up with aftertherapturepetcare.com.

Here they are: End Time Zombie Dogs

Now would be a good time to launch other end-time businesses.  After the rapture, we’ll need people to water our plants, trim our bushes and get the honey from our beehives.  What if the rapture happens while you’re barbecuing on your patio?  Turnoffymygrill.com will come to your house, turn off your grill, remove your burgers, and give your grill a final scrape.
And who’s going to care for the wild birds in your neighborhood?  Keepfillingmybirdfeedertillthemillenium.com will make sure those Chickadees and Pileated Woodpeckers don’t go hungry.  Unplugmyrazor.com will come to your house and unplug your electric razor that was left buzzing in the bathroom sink when you were raptured while shaving, as happened in the classic movie “A Thief in the Night.”  Here’s the opening scene.  Show this to your non-Christian friends and they’ll get saved on the spot.

And we all know that many Christians’ cars will suddenly be driverless when the rapture occurs, causing accidents and stranding vehicles all over the planet.  That’s why TowmycaronDoomsday.com will make millions.  So will Findmymotorboat.com and Wheresmyridingmower.com?  And what airline wouldn’t sign up for Oopsthepilotdisappeared.com to protect their customers?

The field is wide open for rapture-based websites.  What others would you suggest?

  • Lisa

    Websites for stay-at-home moms could abound! foldmylaundry.com, emptythedishwasher.com, and makethebeds.com could be very popular, but my favorite would be pleasethrowawaythepoopydiaper.com. We wouldn't want the post-rapture houses of Christians to be a stench to the remaining neighborhood…

    • Mark Altrogge

      These are great Lisa. I agree, nothing says “bad witness” like poopie diapers left behind.

      • http://facesoflions.wordpress.com David Wilson

        Poopie diapers … left BEHIND?

        Did you go there, Mark? Really?

        (quickly records pun for future blog post)

        Frankly, I'm very disappointed!

        Dave

        • Mark Altrogge

          It was purely accidental Dave. Either that or I’m turning into my dad.

          • http://facesoflions.wordpress.com David Wilson

            Let's just hope Stephen doesn't turn into HIS dad!

            • Mark Altrogge

              I would feel sorry for him if he did, because it's really hard being me.

  • Emily

    …that Thief in the Night movie left me with nightmares for years after my fifth grade Sunday school teacher thought it would be good for us to watch it. :( I dreamed everybody got their heads cut off… and got left behind while walking up a hill …

    • Mark Altrogge

      Wow Emily that’s terrible. Have you finally recovered? I saw that movie around 1976 … Don’t remember anybody getting their head cut off – was that in the movie?

      • Pam

        Uh…Yes. lots of heads chopped off.

  • http://www.delvinginto.com drewe

    401krapture.com? Investing your left over funds in surviving Christian witness and ministry….. rapturesavingsandloan.com?

    • Mark Altrogge

      Good ones Drewe. Or sorryIdidn'tleaveyouanything.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/brando.minich Brandon Minich

    Wow. I can't tell your dogs apart anymore. They look nothing like the dogs I remember being around your house. End time zombie dogs indeed!

    Someone should probably come around and turn off any computers I've left on. Those won't be good for the power grid, which may be blowing up because of the earthquakes anyway.

    • MarkAltrogge

      Brando, you probably have enough computers in your house to take down the entire power grid. There you go – Shutmycomputeroffonjudgmentday.com.

  • LMH

    Your poor doggies sure do get a bum rap. They look like very sweet zombie dogs.

    • Mark Altrogge

      Oh they come across sweet, alright, but deep down they are sinister….

  • http://godgumbo.blogspot.com Peanut

    Wow, there is another atheist named Bart Centre who charges $135 ( a fee that increased from 110 after Harold Campings prediction took hold) per animal for a 10-year pet policy for those awaiting the rapture. He and his buddies created a contract to ensure the safety and love of the poor furry fellows left behind. He currently has over 200 clients! He says the fact that the world isn't ending today is not likely to effect business.

    • Mark Altrogge

      Wow, Peanut, I guess there's lots of money to be made out there…

  • http://godgumbo.blogspot.com Peanut

    Apparently so! Camping reportedly received 18.5 million dollars in donations alone in 2009 when he started this whole campaign not to mention the 24 million in stock and publicly traded securities. He will have some 'splainin to do when Christ does return.

    • Mark Altrogge

      That's big bucks…but I feel sorry for him. He's probably sincere, but seriously misguided.

      • http://godgumbo.blogspot.com Peanut

        I know, bless him, he's 89 and surely is facing the end of his life soon regardless of the rapture or not. I pray that he at least perhaps will get with God and evaluate what he has spent so much energy doing and repent. The message that needs to be spread if we are sure the end is near is not that the end is near-it's the Gospel that needs to go on billboards!

        • Mark Altrogge

          Amen!