Last Tuesday the FDA announced it’s going to require tobacco companies to place graphic anti-smoking images – like blackened lungs, rotten, discolored teeth and gums, and a guy blowing smoke out of a tracheotomy hole – on cigarette packs with the goal of reducing and preventing smoking.
I hope it works, but I’m concerned the FDA is going a bit far here. In the future they may require warnings on other products, like the following…
Pictures of clogged arteries and bypass surgeries on packages of bacon. Or photos of huge guts on beer cans.
Here are some other possibilities:
Warning: Listening to large amounts of country music can make you depressed, sick and tired of wakin’ up sick and tired, and cause you to associate with friends in low places. It can make you prone to saying clever lines, like “I wasn’t born for diggin’ deep holes, I’m not made for pavin’ long roads, I ain’t cut out to climb high line poles, But I’m pretty good at drinkin’ beer.”
Warning: Consuming coffee can make you jittery, irritable, overly talkative, and produce a Colombian accent. In extreme cases, people have been known to begin calling themselves Juan and grow mustaches, even women.
Warning: Consuming chili may transform you into a weapon of mass destruction, cause loud, embarrassing noises, and frighten small children.
Warning: This dog, though cute and adorable, will deposit unwanted surprises on your carpet, get into your trash baskets when you’re gone, shed hair all over your couch, and go completely berserk barking every time you enter the house, like you just got back from 6 months in the Himalayas, even though you only left 30 seconds ago to get the mail.
Warning: Marriage can produce small beings who drool, puke, cry like banshees and suck all the energy out of you, require anxious trips to the hospital, and eventually become teen-agers who will require you to be institutionalized.
Warning: Listening to the good news of Jesus Christ may result in a complete and unexpected transformation, causing you to love and identify with losers, listen to conscience-piercing messages, give away your money and time, and quit doing certain things you really like doing now. It will also cause you to experience various kinds of suffering and respond in crazy ways like praising God and giving thanks.
And finally, Warning: Reading this blog can cause headaches, blurred vision, heartburn, fingertip numbness, baldness, confusion and age-appropriate dressing. Flee while you still can.