“Only 13 miles!” I gasp, “The most I ever ran in my entire life was 3 miles and I was passed by a woman pushing a baby carriage. If I try to run 13 miles I’ll get passed by babies pushing baby carriages.”
“Do or Do not. There is no try,” Stephen says.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask.
“That’s what Yoda says to Luke when he’s learning to use the Force.” Stephen says.
“Oh that’s great. You’re trying to motivate me with a quote by a green puppet in a science fiction movie.”
“So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done,” Stephen says in a Yoda voice.
I’m not an athlete. I did play Little League baseball as a kid, but I was a constant disappointment to my baseball loving dad. I just never had the “eye of the tiger.” I was always afraid of getting hurt. Once when I was playing second base I was standing there biting my fingernails. Dad yelled from the sidelines, “Get your fingers out of your mouth!” Embarrassing.
I also made my 8th grade basketball team. There were eight boys in my class. Two didn’t try out, and out of the six who did, I was the number six guy after the five starters. Whenever I got in I was so nervous that about half the time I’d throw the ball to the other team. Once I intercepted a pass and broke toward the basket. Driving down court I had a clear and easy layup shot. But I tensed up, shot, hit the bottom edge of the backboard, the basketball ricocheted down and I kicked it out of bounds.
You also need to get the right kind of running clothes.
However, at my age you can’t possibly look cool in anything. If your shorts come above your knees, people say look at that old guy in short shorts. If you wear shorts to your knees people say look at that old guy trying to look like a teenager. You lose either way.
Seek out running tips from your friends who run. My friend Greg gave me this tip: “LSD.”
“Lucy in the sky with diamonds?” I asked.
“No — Long, slow distance.”
I definitely have the slow part down. The other day my Nike app said to me, “Congratulations tortoise. You just ran faster than The Blob.”
One technique athletes use is visualization.
For example, a high jumper pictures himself approaching the bar, clearing it, then landing successfully on the other side. When I run I visualize myself collapsing into a heap, being life-flighted to the hospital, then the doctor saying to my wife, “We did all we could to save him but it just wasn’t enough.” Then I visualize my funeral and Stephen saying,”I told my dad ‘Do or Do not. There is no trying.’ My Dad Did not.” Then I visualize my wife cashing in my life insurance and living happily ever after.
Next to my concern that I might suffer a stroke, an even bigger concern is where will I go to the bathroom?
I’m concerned because my particular training regimen involves hydrating myself with large amounts of coffee. My wife, a nurse, tells me coffee is a diuretic, which means that caffeine – one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity and a greater source of energy than the Marsalis Shale – makes you have to go to the bathroom more often than a Ruby Throated Hummingbird. So I’m hoping the race either winds through deep woods or passes lots of gas stations. However, I’m thinking of weaning myself off coffee and hydrating myself with something else. I’m wondering if beer might be a good idea…
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
You got this Steve! You are too funny for this dream not to become a reality! Please keep us all posted as you progress. (:
Actually, Stephen probably does have it, Mike. It's me I'm worried about. But I'll try to keep you posted….
I ran my first half marathon this February. I have every confidence in you, Mark.
Wow that's great, Nicole. If you have any tips for me, I'd like to hear them.
Chris is training for a half marathon in October. Cheer him on, Mark!
He'll do it easily because he's an athlete – and I will cheer for him!
Mark, the last time I laughed so hard I believe I was reading one of your posts. I applaud you for this effort. For someone with as little professed familiarity in the sport you sure have nailed the nuances of running. You will never regret this … well, maybe at mile 10 you might, but it will pass. Which city are you running in?
Thanks Bill! I think I might regret it before mile 10 – I'll be amazed if I make it to mile 10. I'm running in Punxsutawney. I think you should join us.
I'm rofl Mark, but I'm also with you. I propose a geezer marathon for us older gentlemen…from here to Turkey Hill coffee bar and back. OH by the way do ruby throated hummingbirds go to the bath room a lot?
Hey Vince, I like the idea of a geezer marathon. especially if coffee is involved. As for Ruby-throated Hummingbirds going to the bathroom a lot, I have not done any technical research but I'm assuming they do because of the size of their bladders. Assuming they have bladders.
Man, the similarities!
I was a hopeless athlete at school, and even when I used to dream that I was running I could barely put two strides together. When I trained for a half marathon in my late twenties, my dreams improved and brought me great delight; I could just about jog. Now I'm back to tripping and stumbling in my dreams.
In heaven, I reckon I'll be running marathons of inter-galactic proportions.
Blessings, Vince No.2 (No.2 singular, not number twos)
Hey Vince, I feel like you – I can just about jog – barely…. look forward to those heavenly inter-galactic runs.
Mark, thanks for sharing your gift of humor. I needed that to wind down some from work. I have contemplated running but haven’t gotten the zeal aspect of it down yet. Visualization is all I got!
Hey Jeremy – I'm glad the post could help you wind down. I'm sure that if I can run (and I use that term very loosely) you can too. Hey at least you can visualize it….
Mark, I checked out the course and the race online. It is a great 1/2 marathon that I would love to run someday. This year is not going to work. Keep at it and maybe we can meet sometime at the starting line.
Hey Bill, thanks for your encouragement. I'll try to keep at it (oops I said "try" again). Hope you can join me in the future. Of course that means I'd have to run again….maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.
You'll do great Mark. I started running in 2009 and did my first half in 2010. I've since run 2 full marathons and am training for my 3rd. The whole process causes me to worship my Maker all the more and give thanks for His amazing gift of the human body. I'd love to follow your training. Have you considered linking your Nike+ account to DailyMile? It's a fitness social site where you can post your workouts without annoying all your facebook friends. If you do, please add me as a friend (http://www.dailymile.com/people/gbrumley). I'd love to follow your training and encourage you along the way.