(DALLAS) – In a press conference held earlier today, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said:
I am pleased to announce that we have inked a seven year deal with the nation of France to become their team. After extensive negotiations, we have signed a deal that will be agreeable to both parties.
When asked why the team didn’t renew their contract with America, Jones said, “You know, Americans, particularly Texans, have this attitude that’s it’s all about winning. Win, win, win, that’s all they want. But as we have demonstrated over the last five years, that’s not what is most important to us as a ball club. Yeah, winning is nice, but there are other things that matter too, like the quality of food in my owners box, and having the world’s largest high-definition jumbotron, and having a personal assistant to clean my glasses when my fingers are greasy. Those things matter too!”
When asked to comment, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo said, “I really think this is best for both parties. The French aren’t as concerned with how I perform in the clutch as how I look in the clutch. Can I maintain a chic, suave, smile as I throw an interception in the red zone? When you think about it, that’s what really matters.”
After their loss to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, the team celebrated by dumping 42 bottles of 1903 Merlot on coach Jason Garrett. Garrett could not be reached for comment, but did say in a Tweet that the Merlot was very “full bodied, with undertones of smokiness”.