The Anti-Beatitudes, As Taught By Satan

And Satan, seeing the horde before him, went down into the parched valley. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

Blessed are the kick-butt, independent, self-sufficient, “I’m strong enough on my own,” people, for theirs is the kingdom of hell. 

Blessed are those who feel no sorrow over their sin, and who only express shallow, worldly repentance because of the consequences of their sin, because their hearts shall be hardened.

Blessed are those who have swagger, who make others stagger, who have an entourage, who assert their own rights, who fight for their own agenda, for they shall inherit hell.

Blessed are those who are indifferent to the ungodliness in their own lives and the ungodliness around them, because they will certainly have their fill of sin in this life.

Blessed are those who show no mercy, who demand that every wrong be righted, who easily take offense, and who fight back against their opponents with slander, gossip, and outright brutality, for they shall receive the same in return.

Blessed are those who allow many impurities to infiltrate their heart through seemingly innocent means, such as television, the Internet, relationships, and their smartphones, for they shall not see the face of God.

Blessed are those who cause strife, create division, relish controversy, and pit one man against another, for they shall be called sons of Satan.

Blessed are those who manage to avoid persecution by quietly, “harmlessly”, avoiding public godliness, for they will have large dwellings in hell.

Blessed are you when others think you are fantastic, funny, cool, in, and the life of the party, because of my sake. Rejoice and be glad, for your pain in hell is great, for so they have treated the wicked throughout all of history.

+photo by Kevin Dooley