Jesus, It Seems Like You Didn’t Get The Memo

TO: Jesus

FROM: Stephen


Jesus, it has come to my attention recently that things haven’t exactly been going according to our little agreement. You do remember our agreement, right? I’ll follow you and call myself a disciple of Christ and you will fulfill all my wonderful plans for my life. According to section three of our agreement, all the plans I have for me will be fulfilled on my time frame as well. (See attached project plan for specific dates and times)

In light of our “discipleship agreement” (hereon referred to as “DA”), I would like to call your attention to several pressing issues. First, there’s the issue of sleep. I’ve been dealing with a bit of insomnia lately and am getting really tired of lying on my couch at 2:00 A.M. watching Sports Center. Please correct the issue immediately.

Second, there is the obedient child issue. As you are aware, my three year old daughter, Charis, has strong opinions about when she will and will not wear a princess dress. Training her not to argue and to be patient is getting sort or wearisome, and I would appreciate it if you could correct this issue as well. Right away.

Finally, there is the financial provision issue. While I do acknowledge that you have met all my needs abundantly, I could always use more. Please see the attached financial supply schedule for further details.

Additionally, could you please ask Tim Keller to stop writing things like this:

God’s sense of timing will confound ours, no matter what culture we’re from. His grace rarely operates according to our schedule. When Jesus looks at Jairus and says, “Trust me, be patient,” in effect he is looking over Jairus’s head at all of us and saying, “Remember how when I calmed the storm I showed you that my grace and love are compatible with going through storms, though you may not think so? Well, now I’m telling you that my grace and love are compatible with what seem to you unconscionable delays.” It’s not “I will not be hurried even though I love you”; it’s “I will not be hurried because I love you. I know what I’m doing. And if you try to impose your understanding of schedule and timing on me, you will struggle to feel loved by me.” (Kings Cross, pg. 63)

While well meaning, Tim obviously doesn’t understand our particular DA. Plus, his words remind me about all that stuff you said about being God and being the center of the universe, which I don’t like to think about.

I anticipate your quick response to my complaints. Thank you for your time.

  • Louis

    I just died laughing! Hilarity. :)

  • Richard Saunders

    Simply awesome!

  • Massiel

    So funny and true!!!!!

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  • Larry Hehn

    Please grant me patience…and make it snappy!

  • Joanna

    I really needed to read that right now.

  • @stephenaltrogge


  • @stephenaltrogge

    Yeah, Jesus doesn't do well with lockouts.

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  • Josh

    Wow. That was really funny and really convicting all at the same time.

  • Caroline

    Thank you for the very convicting post that was put very well in humor. Just half an hr back i was struggling with all the things going wrong in my life. Glad that i read this and the earlier post by your Dad today :)

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  • maria

    Thanks for the much-needed commentary on our "need it now" thinking! Our times are in His hands!

  • C.J. McMurry

    Yes!!!! Hahahaha