The Olympics Would Be More Awesome If…

winterolympics2014sochi-lrg

I wrote this during the last Winter Olympics. In honor of the upcoming Olympics I thought I would post it again and add some new ideas.

I’m all for the Olympics. I think it’s great that every two years, the world joins together to celebrate what matters most: Visa.

But, in all honesty, I think the Olympics could be improved a bit. Here are just a few suggestions:

Incorporate an aging classic rock band into the opening ceremony. I watched the opening ceremonies for a grand total of five minutes, and then changed the channel out of sheer boredom. I mean, seriously, you can only watch athletes waving at the crowd for so long before you want to punch someone in the face. I probably wouldn’t have changed the channel if Bon Jovi had been setting a guitar on fire. The Olympics could learn from the Super Bowl here. Bruno Mars put on quite a show at the most recent Super Bowl. Maybe he’s available for a follow up performance.

Impose a minimum weight requirement of 250 pounds for all male figure skaters. Male figure skaters aren’t big guys, even if you include the 4o pounds of sequins that they wear. Most of them weigh approximately 110 pounds. Thus, it isn’t quite as difficult for them to pull off a triple axle. It would be much more interesting to see a 250 pound guy named ‘Larry’ try the same move. Especially if Larry was wearing short jean shorts and a greasy white t-shirt.

Encourage More “Cross-Event” Athletes. Remember when Hershel Walker, the running back for the Eagles, was part of the US Bobsled team? That was awesome. I would love to see more athletes following in Walker’s footsteps. For example, I would love to see Shaq on the ski jump team, or Kobe Bryant on the curling team, or David Ortiz as a figure skater.

Add rifles into events other than the biathlon. I’m not sure who decided that skiing and shooting a rifle would be a good idea, but it seems like it might work in other events too. Speed skating seems like a sport ready for rifles. So does figure skating, for that matter. Alternatively, the judges for figure skating could be equipped with rifles. If a performance wasn’t up to par the skater would be shot. The possibilities really are endless.

Play the ‘Chariots of Fire’ theme song before every event. I guarantee that every world record would be shattered if this simple practice were adopted.

Have Morgan Freeman to do all commentary. Morgan Freeman can make a documentary on dung beetles sound fascinating. I would watch curling if Morgan Freeman was calling the game.

If anyone on the International Olympic Committee happens to read this, please feel free to contact me for more suggestions.

What else would you add to this list?

  • http://facesoflions.wordpress.com Dave Wilson

    Mullets and gaudy costumes aside, don’t you think it’s time we all stopped making fun of male figure skaters?

    No? Anyone? Well, all right then. Please carry on.

  • Sfv23

    Agreed Dave W.

  • JackW

    Ski up the hill, now that would be a sport!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Isn't that already a sport, called cross country skiing?

      • JackW

        Not really a sport or skiing. It's OK if you live in a small country I guess. ;)

  • mark

    charles barkley and morgan freeman doing the commentary.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Oh man how could I forget Charles Barkley?

      • bob

        That's just TRRRRRRBBLLE TRRRRRRBBLLE

  • http://www.cogitavi.wordpress.com John

    I thought that going back up the hill after doing the downhill would be a cool event. Also, I think we need to do something with the 30 minutes of commercials to the 5-10 minutes of coverage.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Yeah, let's ditch the commercials.

  • Pingback: The Olympics Would Be Awesome If… – Justin Taylor

  • Josh Montague

    Spectators allowed to pummel lugers, bobsledders, and skiers with snowballs.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Yeah, that would definitely make it more challenging for the participants. But how would you keep riots from breaking out?

  • http://twitter.com/adbrowning @adbrowning

    …If they had not only a winners stand but a losers stand. It would be in some desolate/remote area where all the disgruntled fans would hurl insults and old food at the people who finished last in each competition. That would make each event much more interesting. Not only would we care who won, but all eyes would be on the person who finished last. I Love this Idea!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Wow, that really is a fantastic idea. We really should highlight the worst losers.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Wow, that really is a fantastic idea. We really should highlight the worst losers.

  • Kenny Clark

    Ski Jump over a tank of live sharks. It worked for the Fonz, right?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Noooo. When Fonzi jumped the shark that killed the show. We're trying to preserve the Olympics…

  • http://jwritebol.net Jeremy W.

    The British TV program "Top Gear" did a Winter Olympics special a few years back that included events like launching a Mini Cooper from a ski jump, driving SUV's with rifles instead of skiing, ice hockey with cars, etc. I think those ideas should be included.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Yeah, yeah, I see where you're going with this. I think explosions would be really appropriate as well.

  • Joey Phillips

    The rifles idea reminded me of Hook, when the base runner gets shot. "Violent sport, baseball." What a phenomenal idea. What if, in figure skating for instance, the opposing Olympians were each given a paint ball gun with two paint balls in them that they could use at any point during the performance. This would make figure skating watchable. Almost. It would be awesome to see if the Americans and Brits would team up and agree not to shoot each other…and if everyone would communicate and shoot the Russians at the same time so they would absolutely be sure of wiping out. I would watch this.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      With these kind of ideas I don't understand why you're not already on the Olympic Committee.

  • Casey

    Re: point #1, there was a Bryan Adams sighting during the opening ceremonies. Not sure that counts, though some say he is the Springsteen of Canada.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Bryan Adams DOES NOT count. Unless he is accompanied by Bruce Springsteen.

  • RPM

    Baseball bats are totally needed in the snowboard cross.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      What about wiffle ball bats?

  • Tim

    Here are some ideas:
    1) Add boxing
    2) Add basketball
    3) Add wrestling
    4) Add track & field
    5) Have the guys from the History Channel's Pawn Stars do commentary and play-by-play
    6) Nightly wrap-up with Simon Cowell
    7) Move to summer

    Snow and ice are for those who can't handle warmth and sunshine. Bleh!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      I think moving to Summer is the best out of all those ideas…

    • TammyK

      Yeah…items 1-4 and 7 are already part of the Olympics—the Summer Olympics. Besides, the snow and ice are what adds to the challenge of real athletes. Anyone can handle warmth and sunshine.

  • TammyK

    Hey…quit dis-in on the figure skaters. Pound for pound they have more muscle, balance, speed, stamina, strength, and endurance than your other so-called "male-athletes." And since when did Bon Jovi become an aging classic rock band?! The Rolling Stones? Yeah! Aerosmith? Yeah! Bon Jovi is young—just like me. Stop trying to squelch my illusions of youth. : >

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Tammy, I hate to say it but I don't think that figure skaters have as much muscle pound for pound as say, a boxer or an NFL running back. I could be wrong, but that's my guess…

  • http://www.ceilidhblog.typepad.com Beat Attitude

    Kill all who don't make it to the winners' podium. Well…do we want records broken or not?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/StephenAltrogge StephenAltrogge

      Wow, that is pretty intense…

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/joannamuses joanna

    I DON'T want to see 250 pound men in skaters costumes. Sounds a bit scary

  • Chris

    A few suggestions:

    1. Concurrent events: For instance, ice dancing and hockey on the same rink at the same time. This would raise the level of difficuty significantly.
    2. Speedskating down the bobsled track.
    3. Allow body checking in every event, not just hockey.
    4. Figure out a way to integrate basketball players with dodgeballs into the ski cross event.
    5. Multiple bobsleds on the same track. At the same time. Kinda like NASCAR. On ice.
    6. Require ski jumpers to land in giant pools of pudding.

    Winter Olympics peoples: call me. :)

  • Chris

    Two words: Polar bears.

  • http://www.flightdeck.com Msjor Tom

    Four words: Polar Bears in sequins.

  • Dan Glover

    I’d like to see the pairs figure skaters have to do their routines during a hockey game (on the same rink), while athletes from opposing countries speed around in bob sleds shooting rifles at the figure skaters while trying not to hit the hockey players, all the while with the chariots of fire theme being played live and repeatedly by aging rock legends wearing cross country skis. It only seems fitting to have the Montey Python boys and the Top Gear boys teaming up for the commentary on this event. Kind off a septathalon meets battle of the bands meets a lot less figure skaters in the world. I see win-win. I guarantee this would get the highest ratings on TV.