If Church History Were Reported By Upworthy

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The website Upworthy is notorious for it’s gushing, over the top, massively politically correct headlines. So what would it look like it Upworthy reported on key events in church history? Probably something like this.

  • Saul used to be a Christian killer. Then he saw something that totally changed his mind. #OpenMinded
  • The Pope tried to censor Martin Luther. You’re never going to believe what Luther did next! #StandUpToBullying
  • The Council Of Nicea met to discuss the identity of Christ. They had no idea what they were in for! #Shocked
  • St. Augustine used to sleep around and objectify women. Then THIS happened! #Hope #TearsOfJoy #YesAllWomen
  • The Muslims thought they were in control of the Holy Land. What the Pope did next will shock you! #CrusadeAgainstBullies
  • John and Charles Wesley¬†THOUGHT they were Christians. But these inspiring people changed their minds. #MoravianRoleModels #YesThis
  • Jonathan Edwards preached what he thought was an ordinary sermon. Then things got REALLY crazy. #SinnersInTheHandsOfAnAngryGod #ButWeAllHaveOurOwnViewOfGod #WhyDidWeRunThisStory?
  • John Knox was told to stay out of Scotland. But he had other ideas. #DoTheRightThing
  • John Bunyan was put in prison to keep him from preaching. What he did in prison will make you rethink everything. #Progress
  • William Wilberforce saw a problem he didn’t like. So he did something about it. #BeTheChange #PayItForward
  • They told Charles Spurgeon that he was too young. They didn’t expect this. #YouthMovement

BREAKING: Blogger Persuades Thousands Through His Polarizing Statements and Massive Oversimplification

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(SALEM, OR) –¬†Thomas Henson, known more commonly as “Bloggin’ Tommy”, has once again proven himself to be a reliable and persuasive orator. His most recent blog post, entitled “Thoughts and Stuff”, a 5,000 word Tour-de-Force covering subjects ranging from the legalization of marijuana to the pervasive faults of the evangelical church to the utter stupidity of conservative theology, was warmly received by Thomas’ mom, as well as all the people who agree with him.

When asked to comment on the reasons for his success, Henson said, “I really think it boils down to my ability to make incredibly polarizing statements and to drastically oversimplify issues. For example, in my most recent post, I said, ‘The modern church has completely failed Jesus.’ That sentence dropped like a bombshell on people, and I really think it won a lot of people over to my side. It’s like, I managed to sum up the entire problem in one piercing sentence. Not everybody can do what I do.”

Marcus Hellman, a longtime friend of Henson, said, “Tommy has this amazing ability to boil complex issues down to the lowest common denominator. For example, he recently said, ‘Anyone who believes in a six-day creation account is a total moron with absolutely no understanding of science.’ In that one sentence he completely nailed it! I mean, how could you possibly disagree with a statement like that? Tommy has the ability to help people see things from his side. That’s why so many people love him. He just puts the facts right in your face.”

When asked about his future plans, Henson said, “I plan on taking down Congress, Calvinism, the gold standard, the religious right, the religious left, the religious middle, and the inerrancy of Scripture. I’ve got a big year ahead of me!” Henson also managed that he plans on getting an apartment with some of his buddies.